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God heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

My name is Sarah. I am a  26 year old wife to my husband Chad and a mother to five beautiful children.Three that are here with us and two that are in Heaven. 

My husband and I welcomed our first born Abigail in 2006. She was a perfectly healthy eight pound baby girl. After some time of being unable to conceive I started taking clomid and became pregnant within 2 months with our twin girls Amelia and Alexis! We were so excited for this new journey we were on, and couldn’t wait for double everything. Unfortunately at our 20 week ultrasound the doctor told us that Alexis was “incompatible with life” and that we would have to be prepared for her to pass in utero. We were devastated but never gave up hope that our little girl could make it. After a long fight she passed away at 31 weeks gestation. She was born a few weeks later sleeping at just one pound along with her healthy baby sister Amelia at six pounds. Her death was hard and one of the most devastating challenges our family would face. With an amazing support system and church family, love and prayers got us through.

On July 6th, 2013 after eight years of dating and engagement, me and Chad finally married. It was such an exciting time to be able to share with our family and friends and of course our two daughters. We found out a few weeks later that we were expecting a miracle baby. Conceived on our honeymoon and without any fertility medication. Amelia was only 14 months at the time and after the initial shock wore off we were again excited to welcome another baby into our family. We were worried our entire pregnancy that something could go wrong because of what happened in our previous with the twins. 

At our 20 week ultrasound we found out we were expecting a healthy baby girl. I immediately thought of the joy of having three girls in our home. I was so excited for the matching dresses, lots of hair bows, and all of the fun things that comes along with being a mama to all girls. Audrey was born a whopping nine pound eight ounces on April 16th, 2014. She fit right into our family. Once home I felt so blessed for my amazing little family and spent every moment living life with my girls. Life was perfect!

    On the morning of July 6th, 2014, mine and my husbands first year wedding anniversary I woke up to Audrey needing to nurse. I fed her, gave her a kiss and we went back to sleep. An hour later I woke up to find my sweet little girl unresponsive and not breathing. After attempted resuscitation she was unable to be revived. Our little girl died at 2 months 20 days of age of SIDS.

 I started writing these posts 11 days after Audreys death. They are actual writings from my journal. I am inviting you to join me on my journey of finding hope after death, of finding a “new normal” as life continues to move forward.  Death is ugly and yucky. As a mama who has lost a child it is isolating. You feel alone, like no one else understands. The truth is….a lot of people do not understand, and we do not want them to have to. It is the most painful thing that any mama or anyone for that matter has to go through. But….. YOU are not alone. I am learning there are so many other mothers out there that share our pain. My story is just one out of thousands. 

 I only hope that my journey can help even one mama understand that there is hope. That there is hope because there is a God who loves us. That our babies are alive and healthy in Heaven and we will see them again! That all these emotions that come along with death and grief are normal, and that together we can and will find the strength to get through!

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20 thoughts on “

  1. Sarah, I am so proud of you and what you are doing! As we speak, God is laying a plan for a mother and family who is going through this nightmare too, to be blessed by your words. I pray for you and think of you often!

    Jody xoxo

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  2. So proud of you Sarah…as your parents,dad and I were so afraid that this second tragedy would be more than our family could withstand…we worried you would break under the heartbreak of it all..but instead you’ve dug in your heels picked up your heart and are trying to help others who are feeling the same pain associated with such great loss…your girls have a terrific mom and I know now you are going to be ok…and together we will make it through…I love you …you are the best thing that ever happened to my son…followed by four beautiful daughters…and your the daughter in law God hand picked for me…♡

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  3. You are an amazing woman , I admire your strength , courage and most of all your Faith in God. Death of any loved one is very difficult , but a child has no words to explain the grief. You will all be together someday , untill then you have two beautiful girls and a husband that love you very much …. God Bless you all …..

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  4. You are incredibly strong, although you may not always feel it, believe me it is true. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you and the girls and pray today you find some peace. I am glad I was able to meet Audrey she truly is an angel that for a short moment in time was sent to your family.

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  5. Your story is sad, heartbreaking, encouraging, courageous, and filled with HOPE! God is a God of compassion and love. He is with us and comforts us in these terrible times….. So that we can reach out to others in similar circumstances ( 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ) I see you doing just that! I am Praying for healing and peace for your family! And for Gods richest blessings to fall on you all! 💞

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  6. this beautifully written Sarah. God will always have His arms wrapped around you to keep you snug and safe. Know, He is doing the same with Audrey. We will get to see her again someday and then it will be forever and you will never have to leave her again. I want you to know how strong of a woman you are. Journaling like you are and being able to share it with everyone else. I know it is not easy. I am so proud of you and your strength. Know I am still praying for you and will continue to do so. Love you forever and always.

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  7. I just read everything you’ve written in one sitting, I was thinking, This woman is amazing, and then I thought, she is amazing because God made her that way. You are inspiring, and although I’ve never been through the pain that you have, I cannot say for certain that I would be as strong as you are. Thank you for sharing your journey, you are not just helping people who have lost children, you are being an amazing witness of Gods love, a source of hope for others who have simply lost their way. Thank you, may God continue to bless you and your family.

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  8. Sarah you truly are an inspiration! I have never met you before but I have seen you around a few times.

    I remember the first time I saw you, you were at the hospital with Audrey. I was with my baby boy who was only a month younger than Audrey. I remember how I thought she was such a beautiful baby…. there was just something special about her.

    The next time I saw you was at the doctor’s office. I was there for a checkup for my baby. After you went into the examination room, the doctor came over to me and asked me to leave. As he explained to me why I felt so horrible as I had no idea that you were the one who had lost your baby. Had I known this, I would never have stayed in the waiting room while you were there. (I’m so sorry about that.)
    I thought to myself, how could this happen? Why did this have to happen to such a beautiful person like yourself? I didn’t even know you, yet I felt the tears stream down my face. I thought how unfair it was that you had to go through such a tragic event. I couldn’t fathom losing a child.

    After reading your blog, I can tell you are such a strong person. I’m so glad you have been brave enough to share your story with others. I know this will help others cope who have been in your situation.

    Audrey truly is an angel and I know she is watching over you and your family.

    God bless x

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    • I think I know who you are, only because I will never forget that doctors appointment. I remember you walking in with your beautiful baby boy. I remember you placing his car seat next to you and hearing the little noises my Audrey had made just weeks prior. Honestly in that moment I felt stuck to my chair. I remember sitting there turned towards my husband telling him that I couldnt do this and trying to hide my face and tears from you with my hand. I remember wanting to get up and run into the hall but not wanting you to think I was being rude as of course you had no idea what was going on. It had only been a week before that I had been the one sitting in that office with Audreys car seat next to me. That day…..just a week after Audreys passing I envied you. But I do want to thank you, because your son helped me start my healing. Your little boy reminded me that I am going to be faced with plenty of babies still in this world. That they are not something I can hide from but that they are to be celebrated. Every little life is special and although I miss Audrey every single second I am also thankful that your little one is healthy and here to be loved!

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