He shot is arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my sufferings and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this : The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. – Lamentations 3:13,19-22
Death is ugly….its is messy…..and it is hard. It consumes your every thought, leaving you at times to feel like nothing else matters anymore, that life is no longer worth living. It leaves you questioning yourself, asking why some people get to have their babies but you cannot have yours. Not because you want something bad to happen to someone else, but because you want answers as to why something so terrible would happen to you. It is so easy to blame God and stay angry.Truth is we are all the same people, living in the same world. A world where unfortunately bad things happen that we have no control over.
I have come to realize that God didn’t take my baby away, the world did. I am learning death change things, perspectives,attitudes….it changes you. Things that were important are no longer, and things that were not suddenly become so. It can tear families apart or bring them closer than ever. It has the power to shatter what’s left of your life into a million pieces.
Death can begin to define who you are as a person. It is up to us whether it is going to be for the better or for the worse. Whether we are going to let it isolate us even further or use it to show others that God’s love can get you through anything.
I know I have to keep moving forward. I have to make Audrey’s beautiful but short life here count for something, to enable her to change some things for the better through me. It’s true, I will never forget this awful time in my life. My girls death has now given me a life sentence of grief which will now impact me for the rest of my life. But with God, my family, and a new-found hope, I am determined to come out a better person than I was going in.