I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:13
“I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this!” That is a sentence I have been screaming over and over to myself and anyone who would listen for the past three weeks. But this morning as I was getting ready for church I thought…”I really can’t do this!”
I started to remember my last Sunday morning there before her death. My husband was unable to attend and I had decided I was going to pack up the three girls and bring them on my own. I remembered picking out their dresses and doing their hair. Even my little Audrey had to have a matching hair band on her head. I couldn’t help but smile a little as I remembered how we had sang “Let it Go” from the Frozen soundtrack the whole drive in. As I sat in church that morning…. unaware of what the next Sunday would bring, I looked at my girls (Audrey in my arms and two dancing next to me) and couldn’t help but feel proud of the beautiful family that my husband and I had created. It was a moment I will never forget, but this morning would not be the same.
This morning I was getting ready to walk into a place that I had last seen my baby girl, laying not in my arms…but in a casket. It was the last place that I had kissed her chubby little cheeks and rubbed her head. The last time that my husband, sister, and I gathered around her and sang the last song she would ever be sung on earth.
I was also afraid of how my church family would react. Would talking to people make me upset, or would people ignore her absence because they didn’t know what to say. I even thought about how I was supposed to be able to sing praise songs when I was still so angry. Even though it was a place I have grown up in, I felt like I was preparing myself to walk into an unknown territory.
The truth was….none of that mattered. It hit me that right now, I need God more than ever. I need to be close to him, to be comforted by him. That despite whether my church family see’s me totally broken, singing or not singing, I need to be surrounded by them and others who care for us. I realized that yes, the church was the last place I had seen Audrey……but that even in her death she was in the best place possible for us to share those last moments with her. Again, surrounded by people who loved her and us.
Feelings like I experienced today have not been my first… and I know for certain they will not be my last. There are going to be so many days ahead that I am going to feel like ” I can’t do this.” But what God showed me today as I walked out of church… was that I already am.