The Sleeper

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Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. – Matthew 5:4

Audrey,

       Today I entered your room. I immediately remembered how much love Daddy and I had put into making it so special for you. I looked over at the empty crib and the closet where your clothes are hanging, most of what you will never get to wear. It’s unbelievable now that you’re gone, how I can look at an item I had bought for you and immediately remember where and when I got it. I go back to that moment and think about how I was so excited to buy it and didn’t have a clue you were never going to get a chance to wear it.  I looked at your diaper bag in the corner, ( I threw it there when I had got home that awful day because I couldn’t bare to look at it.) It’s still packed and ready…just as if you were coming home and we were heading out to enjoy the day. It’s so crazy how all of these things that I excitedly prepared for you just 4 months ago, I now have to pack up and put away as if you were never here.

    I have been so upset the past couple of days because I feel like  as the days are going by, I am beginning to forget what it felt like to have you here. I dread the day when there are no longer any of your things to be found around our home. A sock in the dryer, a soother under the couch…..all the little reminders that although they break my heart, they also provide me with a little piece of comfort to show me you were here with us. I keep crying to Daddy that even though it has only been 22 days since I held you in my arms, I am starting to forget what it felt like.

    Then as I looked around your room….I saw it. I saw the sleeper. Our favorite sleeper. This fuzzy little article of clothing is what makes me feel close to you the most. It is what I remember putting on you after your bath to keep you snug, safe, and warm. It was the sleeper I loved to put you in to cuddle with you at night. It’s not anything fancy or expensive, its not even in great shape, but for some reason when I look at it I feel so much love…. I feel us.

   As I sat on your bedroom floor this morning with tears flowing down my face, I closed my eyes and hugged that sleeper tight. For a minute I remembered what it felt like to hold you….even washed I could still smell the spit up and baby lotion as if you were still here. For a moment today on that floor….it was just you, me, and God. I couldn’t help but get the feeling that not only did God know I needed to feel that, but that he also needed me to know that right now he is my sleeper, and that I need to let him be what I wrap around me to keep me safe,snug, and comforted. So today, as I put yours away…..knowing that you will no longer need it, I am going to remember to keep mine close…… because I still do.

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4 thoughts on “The Sleeper

  1. this beautifully written Sarah. God will always have His arms wrapped around you to keep you snug and safe. Know, He is doing the same with Audrey. We will get to see her again someday and then it will be forever and you will never have to leave her again. I want you to know how strong of a woman you are. Journaling like you are and being able to share it with everyone else. I know it is not easy. I am so proud of you and your strength. Know I am still praying for you and will continue to do so. Love you forever and always.

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  2. Sarah im not sure how you are doing this…when the girls said wheres mommy to me this morning…I said “shes on the deck writing her Anne Landers column”
    BUT was I wrong…Anne Landers as famous as she was could never touch the heart like this…you are healing in a way that only a believer could even hope to too.. I pray that I can start to give God some of my fears and try to stop holding on too what ive already lost!.

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  3. Sarah, I don’t know you, but I feel everything you are going through, and you express it so well. I wish I had known how to express my grief when I lost my little Matthew to SIDS. I didn’t. Instead, the grief almost destroyed me. Your words will help so many. They will help lift hearts and spirits that need it. Your strength will shine through even though sometimes on the inside the strength may not feel like it’s there. It’s been 13 years for me, and I still feel it. I just hope that God is holding on to them as tight as we would if they were here with us. One day we’ll have another chance to see their smiling faces. My prayers are with you and your family.

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