Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. – Philippians 4:6
Prayer…..Prayer was always something I didn’t do that often.I felt awkward trying to talk to God…afraid I was never doing it right. They always seemed like they went unanswered anyways. It wasn’t until the past couple of weeks that I found out how powerful prayer can really be. I finally realized that through all these hard times in my life, I was really praying for what I wanted…not what I needed.
That morning when I found Audrey lifeless, I froze. Being a nurse you would think I would have known to start CPR. I didn’t. Instead I screamed to my husband and mother in law (who fortunately for us was there at the time) that Audrey wasn’t breathing. I am forever haunted by the memory of me standing there, with my baby limp in my arms and a completely blank mind. My mother in law and husband quickly took her from me and within seconds had initiated CPR and called 911. I have been dealing with the guilt of my husband having to work on our daughter ever since.
All I could do that morning was scream. Scream and pray and pray and scream…which is what I did. I remember constantly screaming, ” Please Lord, please Lord, please don’t take her.” I started trying to make deals, ” Lord if you just let her be o.k. I will be more involved with the church or I’ll be a better christian.” I even got so desperate I began begging him to save her and take me.
Once at the hospital and after the doctor had told me she was gone, I was holding her little twelve pound body in my arms. She looked so peaceful, just like she was asleep. I immediately began praying and pleading with God that I knew he could perform miracles, that if he could just bring her back, it would show all of these people that he really did exist. That a miracle like that would change so many lives in him.
What I prayed so hard for that day…….they never got answered. That wasn’t God’s plan for our family. It’s difficult at times because you hear about other children who are miraculously healed from a terminal illness, or stories on the news about babies that have been pronounced dead, and through God have started breathing on their own again. You begin to question God and your trust in him when you want someone else’s path to be your own.
You see…..Right now my prayers are being answered. At this point in my life, I am still living off of them to get me through every day to day life. Since Audrey’s death, just knowing that people are praying for our family has provided me with a sense of comfort and peace. I have felt myself surrounded in them on a daily basis.
God has given me this journey for a reason. Audrey may have never taken another breath that morning, but what I do know is that through him she has and continues to change lives. More than some people could dream to in a lifetime. I also know that prayer is real, It works, and that we need it now more than ever.
As the world keeps turning…and time keeps passing by, I am getting better at praying for what I need verses what I want. Instead of praying for him to take my pain away, I am learning to ask him to help me deal with the pain. But on those days that I am hurt, angry, and desperately praying for all the things that cannot be changed. I will take comfort in knowing that I have a large amount of people that are praying for what can be.