Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:12
We were at the funeral home the day after Audrey died when we were asked whether we were going to choose to bury or cremate our daughter. We had chosen to cremate Alexis, but this time….this time I could just not seem to understand what they were asking me. All I could think about was how someone could ask a mother whether she wanted to put her precious baby in the cold ground or turn her into ashes? I didn’t want to do either. This was MY baby we were talking about. What I wanted to do was put her back in to my arms and go home. My husband…. seeing that I was on the verge of losing it, looked at me and calmly said ” Sarah, this isn’t something we need to decide right now. We have a few days to talk about it.” Which in return enabled me to calm down and re-focus. In that moment he saved me.
My husband has spent the last four weeks saving me on a daily basis. He has been my comforter, my protector, and my decision maker when I couldn’t be. He did everything he possibly could to save our daughter when I could not, he reminds me daily that nothing was my fault, and has restored my faith in God every time I have been angry and doubted it.
There are so many decisions that go with losing a child during those first few days. In those days you still have not even processed what has happened yet. I remembered hearing pink casket or white casket, flowers or no flowers, or what music do you want played. The simplest questions like, what clothes would you like your daughter in?, turn in to the hardest ones ever. My husband was able to answer every single one of them when I was not.
See…. a month later, what I’m just starting to realize is… I have husband. An obvious statement I know… But the thing is, when your grieving it is extremely hard to think about anyone else. They kind of just end up existing around you. So to me….I am finally starting to realize again that I have a husband, that Audrey was his baby too, and that he is grieving too. That this whole time that I have been totally absent, he’s been chasing kids, and cooking meals to help keep our basic needs met.
Back at the funeral home a few days after the funeral, I stood and watched my husband sign his name on a piece of paper. A paper that would give consent for our daughters perfect little body to be turned to ashes….for the second time. I remember looking at him in that moment and thinking….my husband is my hero. That like God, he has taken care of our family when I have had absolutely nothing left to offer him.
My husband doesn’t have a cape, he can’t leap tall buildings, and he does not look good in spandex….But what my husband does have is faith in God, and a super powerful love for me. A love that I am determined…that with God on our side, will not be broken but will continue to bring us closer.