Trust the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. – Proverbs 3:5
I was always someone that had to be in control of the situation….in control of my life. I’m the kind of person that needs to know how something happened. I needed proof, the evidence….I needed the why.
At the hospital, shortly after Audrey’s death, the Doctor came in to discuss the need for an autopsy to determine what had happened to her. In my head I knew it was needed, but in my heart….oh how it broke to hear that. The whole time I was screaming in my head that there was no way I was letting them cut my precious baby open! That she couldn’t really be dead, she had just been fine! Even though I knew she was gone, the thought of them performing an autopsy on her meant that she was really gone…that after that was done, I could have no hope that God would be able to bring her back. In those initial moments after you lose your baby, you hang on to every single irrational but desperate piece of hope you have that it isn’t the end. I will never forget the moment, eight hours later….when she was taken from my arms for the last time. It was the most heart breaking, gut wrenching, indescribable feeling I will ever face.
Once leaving the hospital…with empty arms…I began to think of all the things that could have happened. I began to panic that maybe somehow I was responsible, since I had been sleeping with her. I thought about the fact that I had been positive for group B strep at the time of her birth and could she have gotten sick from that. I even tried to remember if there was anything I could have ate to affect her development in my tummy, or if I had taken my prenatal vitamins right. Anything that I could think of that would explain why my perfectly healthy baby could just fall asleep in my arms and not wake up.
The medical examiner called the next day. When my husband came in to tell me there was ” No cause of death found,” I remember completely breaking and falling to my knees. Half was in relief that I had done nothing to cause this, but the other half in disbelief because we still didn’t have an answer as to what happened to our baby girl.
I spent the next week making doctors appointments so that they could explain the autopsy results to me. I thought that if they could just look over the results, they could find something…anything, as to what could have caused this. I needed a reason. I needed the why. The doctors told me that was the thing about SIDS, that I never get a why.
That’s the thing about God…the thing about Heaven. It is so hard to believe they exist because as human beings we need to see the evidence. Truth is, we are never going to turn on the discovery channel and see a program backing up scientifically that Heaven exists. In fact it will probably show us the exact opposite. All we can do is believe that the bible is proof enough, that the beauty around us and in our children is evidence enough.
I have had people ask me how I could possibly believe in a God that lets such horrible things happen. To them I say, I would rather spend the rest of my life believing in a God that many not exist….then not believing in one that does. That when my time comes, if there is no God…I will never know any different. I will be dead. But if there is, in which I believe there is, I will be able to see my girls again. You see…I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
I have accepted, although extremely hard at times, that I will never have the why. In all honesty, even if I did have an answer, I cannot think of anything they could tell me that would justify Audrey’s death. All I can do is trust that God has the why and I need to trust him with it. I have discovered that I have never really been in control of anything in my life, that at any moment my life can change. All this time God has been and continues to be the one in control.