You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. – Psalm 139:16
The night before Audrey passed, I had placed her in the playpen beside our bed. This was the first time I had ever laid her there at night. It was a place she had napped during the day…but at night she was always with me. See, I was one of them mama’s that needed to have my babies with me at all times. I needed to be able to protect them…to keep them safe. I was a mama that constantly worried about the idea of SIDS, but It was more of a normal mommy worry…something you heard about, but nothing that ever happened to you.
That last night, while she was laying in the playpen, I looked over at my husband and told him that I couldn’t leave her there. That I was too afraid she would stop breathing or something would happen and I would have no idea. I gently picked her up, being careful not to wake her, and cuddled down with her in bed for the night…. just as I have done with every single one of my nursing babes. Little did I know, that just five short hours later, my ” had to worry, but didn’t REALLY have to worry about” fears….where about to become a reality.
Since that morning I have been consumed with the what ifs. What if I had just left her sleeping in the playpen…..would she still be here today? Would I be sitting in our comfy chair together instead of sitting here broken to pieces? SIDS research tells us otherwise, that for the most part if its going to happen, its going to happen… regardless of where, that it was inevitable. But my heart continually wonders…what if.
Thing is, she slept with me every single night of her entire life. If I had left her in that playpen, and had woken up to find her there the next morning instead of in my arms, the what ifs would have still been there. I would have still thought if she had have been with me…that I would have been able to protect her.
Though I’m struggling, I am starting to see that regardless of research or how I feel, there were really never any what ifs to begin with. That the morning of July sixth was inevitable. It was her time. That before she was ever placed on this earth, God knew she would only stay with our family for 81 days. That I can ask and think about the what ifs for the rest of my entire life, but playpen or not, she was destined to be with God. The hardest part to accept, is that nothing that I did, or could have done, was going to be able to save her, because that morning………she was never meant to be saved.
I do find some comfort in knowing that if this had to have happened, that if my beautiful baby had to leave this world…that her last breath was taken in my arms….skin to skin, with a full tummy, and full of so much love.
I don’t know why…. I don’t have the answers. But what I do know, is I can decide to put my trust in Gods plan no matter how difficult, or I can continue to drive myself crazy on a daily basis,thinking about all the possibilities…that were never really possible at all.