Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward Psalm 127:3
My oldest daughter has been at camp. So for the past week it has been just my toddler and I. Although this week has given me some “me” time. (Something I have not had in a awhile.) I was also re-introduced to life with one child verses three.
Having three children was busy. It was always an adventure to go any wheres. My days were filled with meticulously planning our get away times between feedings and naps. I loved the challenge of being a mama to three young girls. It was always so much fun to be able to bring them everywhere I possibly could….. to show them as much life as possible.
I remember back to those days. Whenever we would get back from our newest outing I would usually ask myself why in the world I would put myself through that and how it exhausting it had been to go in the first place. Little did I know …how in just a few weeks I would be missing all those simple things that I had just complained about.
Before Audrey’s death, I had thought about my week with just the two babies while Abi was at camp. I imagined the interesting time I would have without her to help sing songs and keep them company. Instead of my super busy week full of crying babes that I had imagined, I was left having time to be able to just get up and go. Having that time made me so angry. It made me realize how much I missed my crazy, hectic, and challenging but fun life. How much I missed having to stop and nurse a baby just three second before I was headed out the door. I missed when my only worries were about not burning the grilled cheese sandwiches they wanted for lunch, or the scraped knees they got at the playground.
Sitting out on my deck this morning, I realized that through my grief I have lost sight of what is right in front of me. That it is so much easier for me to be mad at him for what has been taken from me, then to be thankful for what I have been given. That I have let myself become so consumed in my grief, it has prohibited me from seeing the two precious gifts that he has entrusted me with here.
Maybe someday I will be blessed with a family of five, and my hectic life again…but until then I am starting today to choose to continue to be thankful….that there are still grilled cheeses to be burned, and scraped knees left to kiss.