Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually. – 1 Chronicles 16:11
I have a confession to make. Yesterday I yelled…no, I screamed at God.
My morning had started off as it usually did…me, tea, a bible, and my journal out on the deck. I spent time with my thoughts,,,,,with God. It was a good morning and I was feeling close to him. Little did I know, in a few hours I was going to be trying to push him away.
It started with a simple disagreement with my husband. It was over something that had been misplaced. It was nothing that should have escalated. But emotions were high… energy depleted, and something that shouldn’t have been a big deal became an opportunity for us to release everything we had been feeling for the past month. Although we had been talking to each other through our grief, it was as if four weeks of our built up anger came pouring out in to our words.
When you are dealing with something so big…like the death of your child, it takes every ounce of your energy to just make it through a day when everything runs smooth. When the only things you have left begin to go off course, even just the littlest of bit, it can rattle you to your core. It’s in the little mishaps such as, misplacing your keys or a glass that shatters on the floor while your trying to empty the dishwasher, that can completely break you in an instant.
I had been simply folding laundry. I was already exhausted for the day, and the argument was another thing to add on to my already increasingly unbearable load. On the way to my bedroom with an armload of freshly folded laundry to put away… I lost it. In that brief moment…I had lost my hope. I walked in, slammed the door to my room, threw all of the clothes in to the air, and screamed at God.
As I fell to the floor I screamed just as loud, just as long, and just as desperate as the morning I had found her. I was so angry, I was so panicked, I had just lost my baby and now what, I was going to lose my marriage too!
I sat and looked around at the mess that I had created…it resembled what my life felt like in that moment. Like a huge mess, with pieces of it strewn everywhere. I had lost focus. We had lost focus. That’s what can happen when we turn our eyes from him for even a second. Without him our lives feel hopeless, they turn in to one big giant mess.
It was like those times when things would go wrong, and you would get so angry at your parents. Yet, when it came time that you needed help, they were the first person you’d call upon to save you. I was so angry at God, but at the same time I just wanted him to make all the hurt go away.
As I got up off the floor….humiliated for acting that way, but also with a little bit lighter of a load to carry, In a way I had felt God breathe a sigh of relief with me…..like he was relieved that I had finally stopped trying to carry all my anger on my own, and had brought it to him instead. Even if it wasn’t in the most appropriate way.
As I began to pick up the pieces of clothing off of the floor, and put them away one by one, I realized that God made me a imperfect person. That I didn’t have to be embarrassed because he already knew me as the laundry throwing, pillow punching woman I am. That I am allowed to ask questions and even completely fall apart, but that all he asks in return, is that I continue to allow him back in..to help me pick up the pieces.