This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. – 1 John 1:5
I looked at the clock and it was quarter to nine, panic immediately set in. I had been watching it closely all night, and could not believe how quickly time had went by. Fifteen more minutes and the visitation was over, Fifteen short minutes and I would need to say goodbye to my baby, knowing tomorrow was approaching and I would be saying bye forever.
The moment I arrived there, I had walked up to her casket, kicked off my shoes, and grabbed a hold of her cold little hand. I barely let it go once the whole time. I spent every last second I could gazing at her beauty, kissing her chubby cheeks, rubbing her head, and talking to her. By the end of the night I had warmed up her tiny hand so much, you would have never known by the feel of her that she was even gone.
When the time came for me to leave the church, the walk out was awful. To have to turn away and walk out of a place where you know your baby will be staying for the night, and having no choice but to leave her lying there…. is excruciating.
While driving away, I looked back at the church. I began to think about how big the church was….how dark it would be. As a mother, even in those last moments, you want to be able to do whatever you can to take care of your baby. I would have never left her in the darkness at home, and it killed me to have to leave her in it there. I felt helpless.
The next morning my Pastor came over before the funeral. The words he spoke to me…. I will never forget for as long as I live. He said to me, ” I want you to know that Audrey wasn’t in the dark last night, I left a night light on for her.” He will never know how much that meant to me. A simple act of leaving a light on provided me with a sense of relief that my baby had been taken care of…even in those final moments.
It is amazing how God has been using so many people to show me “the light” in the midst of my darkness. How he has been taking care of me before I even know it. That through this awful time that I have been in the dark, I have never once had to be alone or afraid in it. I am just now being able to see…that through God, people have been leaving night lights on for me, this entire time.