Even before there is a single word on my tongue, you know all about it, Lord. Psalm 139:4
We were in her room, building a tower from blocks, when Amelia asked for the first time….”Where’s Audrey Mama?” It hit me suddenly, like a tonne of bricks. I had just assumed at two years old she wouldn’t remember her. I wasn’t prepared for this.
I paused for a moment with a lump in my throat, not really knowing what to say. With a heavy heart and tears flowing down my cheeks I simply said, ” Audrey’s in Heaven..and she is so happy.” She responded with a “Oh”, and then went right back to building. The answer had been good enough for her.
I sat back and watched her continue to play, I almost envied her in a way, because in that moment I wished that I could be two years old again, innocent, and able to live my life free from the painful reality that I was in.
As I began to think about what I had told her about her sister, I started to feel like a hypocrite. If I truly believed Audrey was in Heaven…then why wasn’t my own answer good enough for me? Why couldn’t I believe it was just that simple? Why did I desperately feel I needed so much more of an explanation than that?
I have had many more moments where I have heard, “Where’s Audrey Mama?”, and each time I have answered the same as I did that day. It has only been recently that I began to realize that the question usually occurs on days, during the exact times i’m doubting. I feel like God has been guiding my girls all along, to ask me about Audrey when I’ve needed it the most. To talk about her, even when I don’t feel I am able.
I think during these times is when he knows that I need to physically hear myself say it out loud to believe it. To regain my hope…. and my faith, when it become so easy to get lost in the doubt. He knows on those days…in those darkest of moments….I just need to be reminded that she is ok. That she is in Heaven, and she is happy.That I do not need to keep searching for more…. because my answer has always been, and will continue to be...that simple.