“Where’s Audrey Mama?”

blocks

Even before there is a single word on my tongue, you know all about it, Lord.             Psalm 139:4

   We were in her room, building a tower from blocks, when Amelia asked for the first time….”Where’s Audrey Mama?” It hit me suddenly, like a tonne of bricks. I had just assumed at two years old she wouldn’t remember her. I wasn’t prepared for this.

   I paused for a moment with a lump in my throat, not really knowing what to say. With a heavy heart and tears flowing down my cheeks I simply said, ” Audrey’s in Heaven..and she is so happy.” She responded with a “Oh”, and then went right back to building. The answer had been good enough for her.

     I sat back and watched her continue to play, I almost envied her in a way, because in that moment I wished that I could be two years old again, innocent, and able to live my life free from the painful reality that I was in.

    As I began to think about what I had told her about her sister, I started to feel like a hypocrite. If I truly believed Audrey was in Heaven…then why wasn’t my own answer good enough for me? Why couldn’t I believe it was just that simple? Why did I desperately feel I needed so much more of an explanation than that?

   I have had many more moments where I have heard, “Where’s Audrey Mama?”, and each time I have answered the same as I did that day. It has only been recently that I began to realize that the question usually occurs on days, during the exact times i’m doubting. I feel like God has been guiding my girls all along, to ask me about Audrey when I’ve needed it the most. To talk about her, even when I don’t feel I am able. 

    I think during these times is when he knows that I need to physically hear myself say it out loud to believe it.  To regain my hope…. and my faith, when it become so easy to get lost in the doubt. He knows on those days…in those darkest of moments….I just need to be reminded  that she is ok.  That she is in Heaven, and she is happy.That I do not need to keep searching for more…. because my answer has always been, and will continue to be...that simple.

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3 thoughts on ““Where’s Audrey Mama?”

  1. Sarah I am so inspired by your words. Though I have never experienced a lose of a child, I’ve experienced the peace and comfort of God when they told me my baby may have Down’s Syndrome and they kept asking me about terminating my pregnancy. We prayed along with our church family and he is going on two years old and he is as healthy as can be no Down’s. I would have never made that choice. God will always bring us through. Especially when we have moments of doubt. God is using you. You will one day be up there with her again.. God bless you and your family. Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you saith the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future…

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  2. i kind of know what you are going through. When my oldest was just 5 months old i found out i was 3 months pregnant and i miscarried it. It was the hardest thing in my life to deal with. My husband and i tried for 6 yrs to have a baby and we finally gave up hope of even having one and then Haley came. Then once she was 5 months i was pregnant and lost that one and 6 yrs later had Olivia. Whether it be that a woman has a child or miscarries it its not always easy.. We are praying for you and will continue praying.. May God bless you and your family. you may not remember me but you and tammy lived with robert and lisa when i was with them. ❤ if you need to talk i will be here for you xoxo

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