Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
– Proverbs 19:21
I had received a little mermaid outfit from a good friend at my baby shower. I remember how excited I was to open it….how much I couldn’t wait for Audrey to get here, so I could put her in it.
The time finally came when she was only nine days old. I was so ecstatic to get a picture, but she was not. Actually she was quite determined to do everything in her power to prevent me from getting one.
I had her lying on a pillow covered in a blanket. Little portable heaters surrounded her, and a heartbeat rhythm was playing on my phone. I would nurse her to sleep, only for her to wake the minute I placed her back down. I eventually got so desperate, that I laid down next to her on the floor and tried to nurse her in position.
After hours of trying, I finally got a picture. I was one proud Mama. I couldn’t wait to show her off, and get it up on my wall. I would look at it hanging there and think about how cute my little mermaid was. I couldn’t believe she was actually ours, she was so perfect and her being here felt like a fairy-tale we had dreamt up.
I truly felt like I was living in one. I was in love with my prince, in which we had created four precious beings. We didn’t live in a castle, but our small need- to- be renovated home was a happy place where we made memories. We didn’t have the best of everything but we were happy. For the most part, everything was going according to my plan. All of the dreams I had for my family were coming true.
What I neglected to realize, was that I wasn’t the one writing it. I wasn’t the director, God was.That I had never once stopped and really took the time to even include God in my story. Truth is, I was too caught up in my mama knows best attitude, to even listen anyways. He was present because we believed in him, but he was more like the music in the background. Now I can proudly say our lives are centered in him.
Since her death I have found my self stuck in the bad part of the story. The part where the princess pricks her finger on the spindle, or bites into the bad apple. The part where life seems like it is over and there is no hope left of a happy ending. Sometimes I think back to how scared I was to lose her the whole time I had her. How tightly I clung to her at all times because I just couldn’t believe she had been given to me to begin with. It didn’t matter how tightly I clung, she wasn’t truly mine. She was God’s.
I am continuing to learn that there is only one person that can wake me back up again. That there’s only one person that can truly save me from the complete devastation of her death. He’s showing me, that I just have to continue to have faith that the ending that he has written for me is better than the one I had written for my self. That I need to let go of what I thought my life was going to be. I may not be able to imagine it right now, but I do know that through him, I can still have my chance… of a happily ever after.