The wisdom we speak of is the mystery of God–his plan that was previously hidden, even though he made it for our ultimate glory before the world began. 1Corinthians 2:7
On this day, exactly four months ago…I was in labour and impatiently awaiting the arrival of my baby girl. During that time all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind. I thought about what she would look like. I wondered if she would have her Daddy’s nose, or a lot of hair, and if she did if it would be light or dark.
Those few hours, waiting for Audrey to come were ones of mystery. However, the one thing that wasn’t, was how much she was already loved, and how much I couldn’t wait to hold her in my arms.
She came fast. Four hours of labour later, at exactly 5:36pm, nine pounds and six ounces of pure perfection entered the world. As her little wet and slippery body was placed on my chest….the love was instant, I was full of joy, and life was complete.
As I admired my newest addition lying there, I couldn’t help but notice ten fingers, ten toes, Daddy’s nose, and the tiniest bit of dark hair. She was no longer a mystery….She was ours.
As I sit here today, I can’t help but wonder what she would have been like at four months old. If she would have lost her hair like her sisters did, if she would be chubby or rolling over, and would she have a laugh that rumbled way down deep in to her belly.
See…all the milestones that mom’s wonder about before their child is even old enough to hit them, I still do. What’s hard for me to accept is that they will always remain mysteries to me, ones I will never get to discover.
While I watch Abigail play soccer, I will forever wonder if I would have been cheering Audrey on a field or on a dance stage. When Amelia tells me she loves me in her tiny sweet voice, a part of my heart breaks as I am reminded that I will never get to hear Audrey tell me that. All of the same things, I have wondered about Alexis over the last two years since she has left us.
Today…as I cried over what I would miss, God reminded me that he already knows I will spend the rest of my life yearning to know more about my sweet girls, he knows this because I am not a mystery to him. He knows every worry, and every ounce of pain before I do. He knew I would face the loss of my children before they were ever conceived, and although I wasn’t prepared to deal with it, he was.
God has been loving me unconditionally through this. He has let me fall in to his arms desperate, weak, and afraid .He has been carrying me through even though I had wanted nothing to do with him before. I am no longer just seeking him out of need, but out of want.
So today…. as I continue to yearn for the lives of my precious children, I am also going to continue to yearn for faith, for hope, and most importantly… for God.