Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6
Audrey was about three weeks old. I was sitting in our chair nursing her, while my two year old was emptying the bookcase. My oldest was bored and continually asking me about a million different things she wanted to do. This was a typical day in my house, a typical moment. I had three children, all different stages, with totally different needs and interests. Most days were a juggling act. I became very good at multi-tasking, and at prioritizing which needs came first. I thought I had it all together. But on that particular day, as I one handily picked up books for what seemed like the hundredth time…. I remember feeling lonely.
I remember looking in the mirror at someone I no longer knew. I looked at that woman standing there, adorned in sweats, my hair chucked up messy, but wet, because I had actually been able to get a shower. I not only felt lonely, I felt lost. Apart from a few friends, being a devoted Mama to three I had allowed myself to isolate me from the world.
As mothers our children’s needs always come first. Even if we make plans in advance for coffee with a friend, when the time finally comes, you never make it out that door. There’s always something you can find to do, that is more important.
Not only were my relationships with my friends, and even my husband pushed to the side, but my relationship with God was practically non existent. I ignored him on a daily basis. After all, my life was going good. Little did I know that the time was coming where these three relationships were going to be the ones to carry me through the most devastating time of my life.
It’s funny how we can take credit for all the good in our lives, yet blame him and expect him to save us when things start to go bad.
As I sit here this morning, I ask you to think about these things. Why do we wait for tragedy to strike before we believe in him? Why do we wait until our lives become out of control, and for situations to arise that are out of our hands, before we finally…only in desperation, hand over the reins? Why is it, that we only let him fully begin to deal with a situation, when we can no longer save ourselves?
I am guilty of this. Are you?
I only wished that I had of realized this before Audrey’s death. Things could have been so much easier if I had of been able to just bring my stresses to him. I wish that I had of known that the loneliness I was feeling, was due to his lack of presence in my life. That my lack of faith, and hope is what caused me to be in this ” Is this all there is to life ” state. I know better now, I know there is so much more to it than that. I know that through him my life has purpose. That I am no longer just a mother of four but I am also Sarah. That I am important to him, as my children are to me.
I can say, that through this awful time, God has given me the relationships i have needed to survive. My old ones are stronger. I have had amazing people come into my life which enabled me to build new ones. My husband and I were forced to really come together as one, to fight this battle, and as a result, have been able to become closer. I also now have God with me every second of the day, carrying some of my burdens for me. I have never had to be alone once through this, and have learned that I never really was to begin with. That no matter how much I try to ignore him…he is still with me. That I never have to feel lonely again.
So to all the mama’s sitting in your chair this morning. Dressed in sweatpants…Trying ever so desperately to leave your home, but never making it out the door. Who picks up toys around the living room for the hundredth time with a crying baby in the other arm. Enjoy those moments, things will get easier with time, but most importantly remember….YOU are NEVER alone.