Ask the LORD your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights. -Isaiah 7:11
Dear Sweet Little Audrey,
This weekend I found myself back at square one again. Regardless of my beliefs…of my faith…I found myself questioning why certain things were happening. Why things were still happening to me. I spent time pleading with God. Begging him to help me understand the plans he has made for my life.
I found myself looking at the sky. I remember asking Daddy if he really believed there was a heaven….if he really thought you were there. I thought about if you could see me….if you could see my heart broken in to pieces….yet still beating. I wondered if you had met your sister, if you knew who she was. I wanted you to be able to feel how much we miss you…how desperate we are to have you back home. In my heart I knew I really believed all of these things to be true…..yet in a world that constantly talks about how impossible it is for a heaven to exist, I became afraid. I felt so fearful to question him…..yet so hopeless to not.
This weekend I was weak. This weekend I felt like I didn’t have the strength to deal with what I had been handed. The thing is, this time I didn’t have to just have faith and believe…instead he showed me. In a moment I was questioning your whereabouts the most. When I was pleading in my head for you to give me some sort of sign….the sun suddenly came out over the fields from behind the clouds. It was so beautiful. It was you.
Audrey, I see proof that your spirit is still alive on almost a daily basis. I see you in the frog that has shown up on our doorstep almost every night since your passing, in the shooting stars we see as we are thinking of you….I see you in the wildflowers we planted before your death, but have since bloomed all in purple. I now even see you in the sun that peeks out from behind the clouds.
I know in my heart that you are in heaven. I know that all of the signs I have been experiencing are through God…allowing me to know that you are ok. That he is showing me that he is taking the best care of you possible, and I do not need to worry about where you are.
Everyday those signs are what keeps me going. Regardless of how silly they sound…. they bring me peace. I just want you to know, that everyday I will continue to miss you….until my very last breath…when I will see you again.