For Your Eyes Only

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For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:10

       I am part of a club. It is full of amazing women from all walks of life. Some are old, while some are young. Some have careers, while others stay at home. Some have seven children, while others only have one. All of us are different, but one things remains the same. We are all part of the same club. The only thing is…..it is a sad club……a club that no one wants to be in.

     See that’s the thing. We all have unwillingly joined ,because we have all lost a child. Even though we are all so different, we all know the same pain. The pain of losing what we love most in this world. 

    We are all strong. Not strong because we want to be, but strong because we have no choice but to be. Although through this journey I am learning that having strength, is not what I ever thought it was. That I am only learning the true meaning of strength now.

    I have received so many messages from people. People who tell me they admire my strength. I had never thought of myself as a strong person before. So when people would tell me that, I would feel like a hypocrite. I would feel like these people were only seeing my writing, and my fake smiles in public…. but what they didn’t see were the screams, the tears, and the anger that I was experiencing behind closed doors. 

    Over the last eight weeks, there have been so many times where I have questioned myself about what I am doing. I’ve asked myself over and over,how in the world I am trying to help others when I still need help myself. Then it hit me.

    I don’t have to be strong physically or emotionally, but what I am more than anything…..is strong in my faith and in my beliefs. That mothers that come here to read my blog, do not come to read that I am fine, or that I am coping. They come here to see that I am still completely broken. That I am still punching pillows, and throwing things in anger. That I still have some mornings where it is so terribly hard to get out of bed. That I still sit and cry with empty arms, and that I still miss my baby just as much today, as the day I lost her. They come to see the reality. My reality. They come to see that they too… are not alone.

     We do not have to be okay to be defined as strong. When somebody asks me how I am doing, that is the easiest answer to say. Truth is…I am not okay. It will never be okay.  But I am getting through the moments. Second by second on most days.

     Being able to get through each day….even though we are not okay is strength. Falling to the floor in hopelessness, but being able to get back up is strength. Saying goodbye to our children, and our dreams for them through tears and a broken heart is strength. Every single thing we have done since the moment we have lost them has been strength. You are reading this right now…..you are here……we are making it through today. We are strong.  

      I have truly learned that you never know how strong you really are until you are faced with the unthinkable. Until you are knocked down to the ground so hard you have no choice but to begin to hope. My reality is… that I am still struggling, that I am still questioning, that most days I am still in the most unbearable pain. But my reality is also something so much more than that. I truly believe that my strength comes from the Lord. 

      So as I sit here today…. eight weeks into my journey. I still feel sad that I have been destined to join such a devastating club….but what I also feel…is proud. I feel proud to get to meet so many amazing women. Proud that in our own pain, we are able to come together and help each other. But most importantly I feel proud….because even if we don’t feel it…. we really all are… STRONG.

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