God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. -Psalm 46:1
I held the phone to my ear…listening in disbelief, as someone close to me called me with some hard news this morning. I immediately thought, how can these things be happening when we just lost Audrey. That we should be free from bad news and heart ache for awhile. I angrily asked God, “Hasn’t our family just been through enough? Haven’t we done our share of hurting?”
As I sat in silence, trying to think of the words to say that would provide some sort of comfort, this person said to me, ” But Sarah, I prayed. I prayed that everything was going to be okay…..but it wasn’t.” My heart broke. I instantly remembered when I had felt that exact same way. When I too had felt one hundred percent betrayed by God.
The morning that the paramedics were working on my precious Audrey I prayed. From the moment I had found her until the moment I had received the news of her passing I had prayed over and over again for them to be able to save her. I prayed for her to be okay. But regardless of the most desperate prayer I had ever prayed……okay was not the outcome.
After I hung up the phone, I remembered a song called Held by Natalie Grant. The verse says, ”This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the promise was when everything fell we’d be held.” When I had heard that song for the first time I cried. I felt like I had finally got it. That God does not promise us that everything is always going to be okay. But what he does promise….is that if we let him, he will be there to help us through those times when it is not.
As I sat there this morning after the phone call, realizing that I too had been thinking that everything should just work out. Thinking about how I felt like I should have a “get out of bad news” free card because I have been through my fair share of heartache, I realized that Audrey’s death is most likely the hardest thing that will ever happen to me, but it will not be the ONLY thing that will ever happen to me. That as life continues to move forward, I am going to be faced with many other hard situations. Some personal, and some that unfortunately involve my family.
I am learning that as I continue to be faced with hard news, I can pray for things to be alright, as anyone’s first instinct would be. But what I also need to do, is start praying for comfort when what we so desperately want, doesn’t turn out the way we plan. That ultimately I need to pray for them to be….held.