Do not let the sun go down while you are angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. – Ephesians 4:26 – 27
Recently my life took a drastic change. It started off like any other weekend. My family and I had just arrived at the trailer for a weekend of camping. It was such a beautiful evening. The stars were out and there was a slight breeze in the air. I sat there with the little white thing in my hands. When I finally got the courage to look down, my eyes widened, the tears began to flow, and I was frozen in place. I saw two lines. I was pregnant, and I was completely terrified.
When I finally realized what this actually meant, I became instantly angry. First I couldn’t believe how this could have occurred, when in our grief there had been very few times that this would have even been possible. I was in shock. Most of all I was angry that God would let my newborn be ripped out of my arms, only to place another one in my womb just weeks later. If this was the case, I could not comprehend why I couldn’t have just kept Audrey in the first place.
I made a doctors appointment for only days later. As I sat in a fog, waiting for him to call my name, I was in total disbelief. This is not what I thought would be next in my life. I tried to remain calm sitting there in front of all the other people, but I broke down behind his closed door. I hadn’t even grieved Audrey yet and now I was just going to have another baby. I was not ready for this.
After a brief discussion, he ordered an ultrasound for the following day. The next morning I arrived there scared to death. My heart was thumping in my chest, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I sat there praying that no one that knew me would arrive there too. That no one would see me waiting there. In a way I felt ashamed.
As I laid there during the exam I broke down again. I remembered being there for Audrey just months before. I remembered the fear I had of losing her just a year after losing Alexis. I wanted to jump off of the table and run away. Thing was there was no way I could, there was no way of running away from this situation.
The week spent waiting for the results was painful. I thought about how scared I was that I was going to resent this baby. That I would think they were only here because Audrey had died. I was scared that people would judge me. That they would have opinions about it being too soon. The biggest thing for me was that I was still grieving, I was still constantly mourning the loss of my baby. I didn’t want this pregnancy to take away from her, from her life. I did not want this to take away from the tragedy of her death.
As the days went on I began to be able to look at it as a gift. One that I wasn’t ready for, but one that like it or not was coming. It became a little glimmer of hope. Something that I could happily focus on through all the bad days I had ahead of me. I had trusted God through Audreys death, so no matter how confusing this was, I was going to trust him through this too.
A week later I walked in to the doctors office with a better frame of mind, but I walked out with that glimpse of hope taken from me. My ultrasound had revealed an empty sac. They had not been able to find a baby. I was scheduled for another ultrasound to confirm the findings. As I walked out of the office and down the hall, I looked at the paper in my hands. As I stared at the words ” Questionable Viable Pregnancy” I broke down.
In that moment I was done. I told God that day I quit. That who ever was trying to get me down had won because I was emotionally exhausted. I felt completely defeated. I felt like he was throwing Audreys death right back in my face, like I was being punished for something, but had no idea for what. In a simple week, I had found out that I was expecting and had lost our fifth child. I was devastated.
Today I went for my final results. Today I found out that I am expecting a baby. That I have a healthy 7 week old baby growing inside of me. A baby with a strong heartbeat. A baby that will be due within days of Audrey’s first birthday. Truth is, although I was relieved I did not jump up out of my chair in joy. I am scared. The thoughts of sleepless nights from being too afraid to sleep, and the fears of not being able to fall in love with another child that could be taken at any moment is overwhelming.
This is not going to be an easy journey. This is not going to be one of those happy pregnancies that all moms dream of. This one is going to be full of fear, of confusion, of doubts, and of un-readiness.
I wish I could have just trusted God after receiving the bad news. That I hadn’t of doubted his plan and turned away. Whether he was with me or not life was going to have the same outcome. The most important thing that I am learning is that I cannot expect God to just change my life the way that I want it. In some ways I thought if I was faithful enough maybe I would have it easier. Truth is, It doesn’t work that way. What makes things easier is having him with me regardless of the outcome. That I need to trust him through the devastating, through the scary, and through the yucky stuff from here on out…no matter what happens.