Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. -Romans 12: 15
Today…exactly two months since Audreys death, I found myself sitting in the same funeral home where we had planned her funeral. Today I cried not only for me, but for another mama. Another mama that feels the same pain, and the same torturous heartbreak that I feel.
Before arriving there this morning I told myself that regardless of the pain it was going to bring back up, today would not be about me. That today another family was losing a child. That another mother was saying goodbye to her son. This son was twenty-five. All I could think about was how hard this was going to be for her. After all it is extremely hard when you have two and a half months of memories, think of all the memories you can make in twenty-five years.
Once I sat down I immediately saw her. From that moment on, my heart broke for a woman I had never met. A woman that I was now connected to in a way that no one wants to be. I watched her as she floated around from person to person, giving them hugs and thanking them for being there. Watching her manage a smile when someone asked her how she was doing. Before this I would have wondered how she could smile on a day like that. I would have wondered because I didn’t know.
Before my daughters passing I didn’t know how heart breaking a child loss really was. The reason that I always thought I could never imagine the pain is because it is unimaginable. I didn’t realize how strong you can really be. How a fake smile on the outside goes with the complete numbness on the inside, or that a real smile or laugh with a loved one is a one second relief from the deep pain that is continually tearing you apart. Today I finally knew, I finally got it….because I’ve been there.
Today I cried, but I didn’t cry for me. I cried for her. I cried for the days she has just had to encounter, and for the days that lay ahead. I cried for the never ending days and the sleepless nights to come, and for the piece of her heart that will now remain missing.
This morning a new woman, a woman that I have never met entered my heart. She is someone who will be in my prays and I hope in yours. This morning as I again found myself asking why another mother had to endure such a loss as this… I found myself clinging to my faith, and to hope. The same faith and hope that has guided me this far.
As I walked out of the service this morning my prayer for her is and will continue to be, that she too can find that same hope in the days to come.