Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. -Ecclesiastes 3:11
I was sitting with a friend at the table yesterday. Excitedly counting money we had been given for our ministry, when I heard our husbands talking. I could just hear one of them say, ” Now this could be a reason, this could be one of the reasons for our babies deaths. Our wives are starting this amazing ministry, A ministry that is going to help so many others.” As I listened I felt my tummy go funny. I looked over across the table at her and in that moment we both knew what each other was thinking. We didn’t want this to be a reason. Something that I was so passionate about….so excited about doing….could not be a reason for my daughters death.
When I got home last night I thought about how God gave up his son for me. I know for me it used to be just something I knew, something I heard over and over during a church service. But before my childrens deaths, I am not sure that I ever really understood just how big that really was. That unfortunately I now knew just how huge, and just how painful that would have been. I thought about the fact that there would be no way that I would ever willingly be able to give my childs life for someone else to live. In fact, if any of my childrens lives were in danger I would trade my life for theirs in an instant.
I thought about how I would rather have my baby in my arms and not know what a child loss feels like, then to have a mother in them that I know is in the worst pain of her entire life. I felt guilty for feeling that way. For feeling like there would never ever be any reason good enough for her to die. That no matter how many people could be helped, I would trade it back for her. It took me a moment to realize that of course I can feel that way. That any mother on this earth would say the exact same thing in this situation. I am not a bad person for feeling that way…. I am not God. I am a human. I am her mother.
I realized last night that this ministry to help grieving mothers is a result from our babies deaths. That our husbands were right. That as much as I try and not put the two together they belong that way. That I am passionate about this only because I know the hurt, because I’ve been there., and because I know just how much it is needed. That as much as I would like to go back a few months and have her with me that is not going to happen. But that this ministry, this good..it can.
My desperateness and longing for her will never go away, but I can choose to use that to help others. I have finally let myself realize that I can in fact be thankful that God is taking our babies deaths….. our horrible experiences, and creating such a beautiful thing out of the ugliest of situations. That with him, good things…really can come from bad.