But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” -Matthew 19:14
I miss you so much today. Actually, I miss you so much everyday. This week has been so hard. I have been really sick, and with already being mentally worn out from the constant grief, my illness just seems to be intensified. The physical pain and mental pain combined has placed me in a weird spot. A spot where I feel overwhelmed and depressed more than I have ever been.
Lying around, being unable to stay busy…unable to stay focused on anything besides your death has been painful. I have found myself consistently wondering so many things about you….about heaven. I have questioned if you can see me down here. If you can see my tears and my desperate pleas to have you home. I wondered if you have met your sister, or if you even know that you have a family here on earth that miss you beyond words. I have even wondered if you have the ability to miss me too.
I have found myself trying to explain to you somehow that this little life growing inside of me will never replace you. I’ve even had times where I’ve wished that it could be you in there again, that we could just repeat your pregnancy and go back to the life we had eight months from now. Anything that could take the pain away for just one moment.
I guess what I had time to think about the most this week is the finality of it all. It is like my mind no longer believes the lies that I have continually told it for the last few months. The lie that you are just somewhere else. It finally has sunk in that you are really gone. Really really gone. That I will never hold your sweet little body in my arms again on this earth.
I have panicked as I have thought about how I can no longer remember what your cry sounded like anymore. How I can barley hear your little “goos” and “ahhs” you used to make. I am already scared of how much I will forget over the years. I don’t want to forget any of it ever.
I remember hearing from someone that our children are never really ours. That they are a gift that is given to us from God, but that ultimately they are his. I want to be so greedy. I want to be angry at the fact that you didn’t get to stay here. At times I wanted you to just be mine, and no one elses. Not even Gods.
But then I realized that my greed would cause you suffering. That of course I want you to be his. I am so thankful that the only other person that could take care of you and love you as much a me has you in his arms. I’ve clung to the fact that whether you can see my tears, your Daddys broken heart, or your sisters longing for you….YOU are happy. That no matter what suffering we have here on earth…because you are his you have none. That is a gift I would never be able to give you, a gift you have….. because you were always HIS.