Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. – Psalm 119:18
Each time a new baby girl has came into our family… from each moment that they were placed on my chest and we locked eyes for the first time I have immediately began to wonder what they could see. Apart from the ointment placed in their eyes just after birth, and the knowledge that they cannot see color or more then a few inches from their face…as moms, we all end up in the same spot. We all end up sitting in that hospital bed with our face pressed as close to theirs as possible. Talking to them, singing to them, introducing them to their mommy. Finally letting them be able to put a face to the voice that they have been hearing for months. A moment that you have thought about from the minute you found out you were expecting.
As the days go on eye contact is made at every possible second. While nursing, while rocking, just in the every moment glances at this beautiful and perfect being that you created. You become the face they look for when there are in need. The face they need to see to feel loved and secure. You become the person responsible for their sole survival. You become their world.
Audrey was different then any of my other girls. She had eyes that pierced into your soul from the moment she took her first breath on this earth. She would look not only at you, but somehow you felt like she was seeing into you. Our love was intense. We were inseparable. It wasn’t until she was gone and I looked back at pictures that I would get goosebumps remembering the feeling of joy and disbelief that I felt every second I was with her.
After Audreys death I began to really think about how she had seen me. Putting all physical appearances aside, I thought about how she had felt to see me and about all the times she would start to cry when I placed her down, but the moment she saw my face and heard my voice, she would smile the most biggest smile I had ever seen. To Audrey I wasn’t just a brown haired, brown eyed, chubby face…to her none of my insecurities or my flaws mattered…because to her I was unconditional love. If only we as moms could see our worth and our beauty like our children do. If only we too could love ourselves the same way our children do….the same way that God does……through the flaws.
I thought about how my face to her signified love, trust, and security. I thought about how it was a face she seen everytime her tummy was getting filled, or as her diaper needed changing. It was the last thing she saw before she fell asleep. Ultimately it was even the very last face she seen before she left this world. To her I was comfort.
The night of her viewing I was standing over her casket, still tightly grasping her cold little hand and desperately worrying about her, when someone I had never met before, a tall grown man approached me with tears in his eyes. He told me that as he was looking at her pictures that there was something in her eyes that made him feel like he wanted to tell me that she was ok. Shocked I became speechless, I began to weep. In that moment I knew my little girl was more than ok, she was perfect.
See what I am beginning to realize is that her innocent little being….her two and a half month old self has now seen and knows more then I could ever imagine. More then I will ever know while on this earth. The one thing I think about the most is that she has seen her sister whole, healthy, smiling, and alive. Free from deformities and deaths markings. All things which I had never got the chance to see.
She no longer needs to see my face as her tummy is filled, or to provide comfort when shes upset because simply she will never feel those things again. She is whole, she is full, she is comfortable……she sees God. His face has become her new world. She has now truly seen the face of unconditional love.
I only hope that one day I too can experience such joy. But for now I will continue to look back at her pictures, and to cling to the peace, to the hope, and to the love that I can still see present….in my daughters eyes.