Two Months…Too Long….

 

Audrey

 

Dear sweet little Audrey,

     Today you have been gone exactly two months and twenty days. Today means that you have officially been out of my arms for as long as you had ever been in them. It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you were with us for so much longer than that.

    I wondered what this day would feel like. Truth is, it has felt like every other single day. No amount of time gone by will ever replace or take away from the time you were here.

    Some days I still feel like I can walk into your nursery and smell that new baby smell. Some days I still listen, hoping to hear your cry that tells me you’ve awaken from your nap. Some days I still panic when I look around for you and can’t see you, my heart breaking as I remember your no longer here to keep an eye on. 

    Other days it feels like you have been gone for so long. I yearn to still feel you near me. Every night when I go to bed I put my face near the spot where you last laid. The spot where you went to sleep in my arms and woke up in Gods. I still can’t figure out if that bed comforts me or haunts me. Yet  it is one thing that lets me still feel close to you.

    You would be five months old now. Closer to six. As I look on facebook at other babies who were born around the same time as you I wonder. I wonder if you would have been starting foods. If you would have liked carrots or spit them out all over everything. I wonder if you would be rolling over and trying to sit up. I wonder what your laugh would have sounded like. 

   Your nursery remains exactly the same. Your clothes hung neatly in the closet and all of your pictures and knick knacks are hung on the wall. The crib that me and your daddy excitedly assembled is still made. As a mama you always think about having to take it down once your little one learns to climb and escape it. It’s a whole different feeling to have to take it down because there is no little one to escape.

   I still can’t imagine my future without you. I am still living day to day, moment to moment and am not sure when that ever ends. I am living, but there is still not a day…not even a minute that goes by that I don’t think of you. Not a day goes by that I wouldn’t give anything to have you back.

    Your sisters still talk about you. They still try to include you in everything and carry your stuff around the house. The blankets that once kept you comforted and warm, now do the same for them. There are a few we haven’t washed and we can still smell you on them.

   Our family has been going through so many changes. So many amazing things that I wish you were here to experience and see. As hard as it to accept, a lot of it has been because of your sweet little life and because of your tragic death.

   Your death has changed people. Your death has saved lives. As much as it angers me that you are gone I am so proud of what you have been able to do in such a short amount of time. I am so proud to be your mommy.

   I know that you are okay. That you are perfect. I know that with time we will be okay too.  When I really think about it, I know that we really are not that far apart. That as long as I can continue to believe, we really are being held…. in the same pair of arms together.

Miss you more than words!

Mommy xo

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Two Months…Too Long….

  1. Sarah, I don’t even know you and won’t pretend to know what you are going through because I don’t. But I can tell you my heart hurts for you and your family.

    I have been following your blog from the beginning and am very encouraged to see that you continue to love God, trust in your faith, and remain strong in all the rotten stuff life has thrown you. I’ll tell you how I know you are strong. Its because strength doesn’t come from what you can do, it comes from doing the things you thought you couldn’t. Give yourself credit for that. 🙂

    Your family is truly blessed to have you. You are a wonderful mother and wife. None of us are perfect. Remember…Its not how many times you fall… its how many times you get back up! ( over and over and over unfortunately) Keep getting back up and grieve however you have to on order to get through this.

    My prayers are continually with you as are hundreds of others, and I pray that you can find a bit of solace and comfort in that.

    HUGS to you …. from your anonymous blog friend.

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  2. Hey Sarah,

    It’s different for everyone, for Jody and I we quickly took down the crib and repainted the room. For us it was a healing, you may find that helps you. I know your daughter shared a room with her, maybe let her help select the new colours. Just a thought, as alway we are here.

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  3. Sarah I have no idea how you put one foot before the other! I think about you all the time and wonder how you manage. I’ve experienced significant loss ( no my own child) over the last couple of years and am falling backwards everyday to the point that I can’t get back up. Then I heard about the loss of your beautiful baby and my heart cried for you. I’ve followed your grief and your journey and each thing you write makes me dig down deeper to get back up. It’s mostly taught me about real faith and real obedience to our Heavenly Father.

    Thank you for sharing the most significant amount of pain with such an amazing amount of faith. God will bless you and your family for selflessly sharing your pain that has made me put my eyes back on Jesus xoxoxo

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  4. I don’t know what you are going through because I didn’t get to hold my baby I had a miscarriage at almost 19 weeks and never got to say goodbye to my baby I still am having hard time after 5 years of loising him there are days I cry and days I am good it is a very hard situation to deal with I can’t imagine what you are going through but reading your blogs seems to really help me . 4 years ago I lost my nephew he fell off his bike and hit his head on the pave he didn’t tell his mom what had happened and went to bed and he never woke up he had a brain hemerage he was 9 at that time in my life I asked God why ? Why did my nephew have to die it’s such a hard question I will never understand 😦 I really want you to know your blogs get me through some really rough days they give me courage to get through some hard days thank you for them god bless you xo

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    • I am so sorry for your losses! I too get stuck in the why but have learned that God has a bigger plan for us. We can only see a tiny portion of it. It is so hard to not be able to get the answers we want but I do believe we will get them someday!

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  5. Sarah, everything supposedly happens for a reason..tho we are not to know the reason until we too cross over to God. But because of this terrible thing that has happened to you and your family, others are learning how to find strength from your blog. Part of that must have been God’s plan…these people needed someone like you to reach out to them, You are truly an inspiration…

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