Dear sweet little Audrey,
Today you have been gone exactly two months and twenty days. Today means that you have officially been out of my arms for as long as you had ever been in them. It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you were with us for so much longer than that.
I wondered what this day would feel like. Truth is, it has felt like every other single day. No amount of time gone by will ever replace or take away from the time you were here.
Some days I still feel like I can walk into your nursery and smell that new baby smell. Some days I still listen, hoping to hear your cry that tells me you’ve awaken from your nap. Some days I still panic when I look around for you and can’t see you, my heart breaking as I remember your no longer here to keep an eye on.
Other days it feels like you have been gone for so long. I yearn to still feel you near me. Every night when I go to bed I put my face near the spot where you last laid. The spot where you went to sleep in my arms and woke up in Gods. I still can’t figure out if that bed comforts me or haunts me. Yet it is one thing that lets me still feel close to you.
You would be five months old now. Closer to six. As I look on facebook at other babies who were born around the same time as you I wonder. I wonder if you would have been starting foods. If you would have liked carrots or spit them out all over everything. I wonder if you would be rolling over and trying to sit up. I wonder what your laugh would have sounded like.
Your nursery remains exactly the same. Your clothes hung neatly in the closet and all of your pictures and knick knacks are hung on the wall. The crib that me and your daddy excitedly assembled is still made. As a mama you always think about having to take it down once your little one learns to climb and escape it. It’s a whole different feeling to have to take it down because there is no little one to escape.
I still can’t imagine my future without you. I am still living day to day, moment to moment and am not sure when that ever ends. I am living, but there is still not a day…not even a minute that goes by that I don’t think of you. Not a day goes by that I wouldn’t give anything to have you back.
Your sisters still talk about you. They still try to include you in everything and carry your stuff around the house. The blankets that once kept you comforted and warm, now do the same for them. There are a few we haven’t washed and we can still smell you on them.
Our family has been going through so many changes. So many amazing things that I wish you were here to experience and see. As hard as it to accept, a lot of it has been because of your sweet little life and because of your tragic death.
Your death has changed people. Your death has saved lives. As much as it angers me that you are gone I am so proud of what you have been able to do in such a short amount of time. I am so proud to be your mommy.
I know that you are okay. That you are perfect. I know that with time we will be okay too. When I really think about it, I know that we really are not that far apart. That as long as I can continue to believe, we really are being held…. in the same pair of arms together.
Miss you more than words!