When The World Forgets….

audrey box 

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you!” – Isaiah 49:15

   It was one thirty in the afternoon on the most dreaded day of my life. I was half an hour away from the start of my youngest daughters funeral, and only minutes away from the moment that I had been trying to avoid all week. People were beginning to trickle in the doors of the church and I realized the time had come for the funeral director to close the casket. Close the casket! That meant that I would never ever look at that sweet, chubby, and ever so loved face on this earth again. I immediately began to tremble, my knees got weak, and I literally felt like I was going to vomit. I had thought about this moment since the morning of her death but never imagined it would come so fast.

  With my hand still grasped tightly on to Audreys, I began to panic. How in the world was I physically going to be able to let go? How was I going to be able to turn around and walk away, knowing that the next time I walked back into that room she would be enclosed in a tiny box. A box that would then, in just a brief amount of time be carried away for me to never see again. My family gathered around me and tried to tell me gently that the time had come. That it was time to say goodbye. I think in that moment was the angriest I had ever been at God. This wasn’t fair. I physically wanted to pick up her tiny twelve pound body and run away. Where was I going to go? I hadn’t got that far, but I do know that I had never been so desperate for someone to do something in my entire life.

  Realizing that no amount of pleading with God or anyone for that matter was going to change the horrific chain of events that was about to proceed. I slowly bent down towards Audrey. I placed my lips on to her cheeks and gave her a kiss. I kissed her forehead, then her nose…..trying to prolong my final moment for as long as I could. As I gently brushed my nose with hers I noticed I had wet her face with my tears. As I began to dry her off, I took hold of her hand one last time and began to sing the song I had read to all my girls many times.

I began singing, ” I love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be.” by Robert Munch.  When my sister and husband heard what I was doing they joined me. I will never forget the image of the three of us, arms linked, standing around the casket singing the last song we would ever sing to my baby girl. In that moment we didn’t notice people coming into the church, we didn’t care how we sounded or how silly we may have looked. It truly was one of the most beautiful and final moments I would experience with my precious daughter.

  Walking out of the room that day was excruciatingly painful. It was horrible, and indescribable. But that day was also filled with people who loved me… people who loved my family. We never had to be alone for one second, and there was always someone to lend an ear or a hug when needed. What I wasn’t prepared for was the now. Was the months ahead that were coming. The months when her death began to fade in the background. The days when her death was “old news.” The moments when I would choose not to mention her for the fear of people being annoyed that I wasn’t “over it” yet. The moment when I myself, would question my own grief as if I was following a timeline incorrectly.

  I have spent the last couple weeks feeling depressed. I don’t think I had ever really felt what being depressed truly was like until now. I have had to fight myself out of bed so that I literally do not sleep the day away. I’ve had to remind myself that there are two little ones to take care of as I struggle to get off of the couch. My once super clean house has turned into a messy maze as I can bring myself to do nothing but stare at the walls. I realized that all this began to get worse as I stopped writing, as I stopped focusing on Gods promises, and as I have forced myself to stay silent in my grief as I have cared too much about what others may feel.

  See three months ago… on a Sunday morning like today, Audrey left our family but she didn’t leave our lives. I have received emails stating that I should be starting too feel better by now, but truth is…I’m not. My whole life has been shaken, and shattered in a matter of moments and it is going to take more than that or ninety days for that matter to fix it. I still have a whole lot of holidays and special dates to get through. I still have to deal with everyday life noticing things that remind me of her and the fact the she is not here. Every moment is still a battle to be won and the silence only makes the days increasingly harder.

  With God by my side I am not only going to continue to pray for strength, but I am also going to pray for the continued understanding of others. That I can continue to talk when I need to and express my fears without looking into glazed over eyes. That I can find the strength to keep moving forward in my faith when I feel like I have hit a brick wall.

  When I sang those final words….. the last ones I would ever say to her… I meant them. Her death does not change her place in our family or the love that we have for her. That as the years continue to pass by we will forever notice the missing little girl in our church Christmas concert, the absent pair of muddy rubber boots by our porch door, and the one less graduation cap we will never get to see. That as long as I am on this earth she will be loved and remembered always. That truly ” As long as I’m living, MY baby she’ll be.”

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10 thoughts on “When The World Forgets….

  1. I have followed your blog from day 1. Tonight as I read this post I cried for you. You are an amazing woman Sarah. Life just doesn’t seem fair sometimes. I always hated the saying “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle” because in that moment you feel like you’re not handling it at all, but from the outside looking in, from reading your blog, from listening to you speak at church….I have never seen such a strong woman in my life. Keep on keeping on and know that in your mourning process, in your grief, you are not only in sooooo many’s prayers but you’re also changing lives.

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  2. You have every reason to be depressed. You have every reason to need people to be understanding. You have every reason to want to just throw it all in. But God continues to give you the grace and strength to go on.
    You will never forget your precious Audrey. She will always be a part of you…… ❤ As long as YOU live your baby she'll be ❤ That actually made me cry. But nothing could be more true!
    Better days are coming Sarah when it won't sting so bad. If talking about her helps…. then talk! If writing helps…. then write! Do whatever it takes to get yourself through your day…… if the house stays messy…… the house stays messy! ….It will still be there tomorrow. 😉
    You need to be selfish (probably for the first time in your life!), and give yourself permission to grieve…… really grieve. You want to protect those around you, but they don't need to be protected. They are grieving too.
    I admire you and am soooooo sorry for your losses.
    HUGS from your anonymous blog friend. 🙂

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  3. I think your writing is such a beautiful tribute to your sweet Audrey and I admire your gift to express yourself,and share. I hope it helps you to share your thoughts,and feelings and you will never fully know how much you are,helping others. Praying for you and your family.

    Lisa

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  4. Your blog touches me very much. You don’t know me, I don’t know you but we share the pain of losing children. Our pain and grief is different as our stories are different but I would love to be a friend to be there to hear your heart whenever you needed. As sister in Christ we share the hope that we will see them again and honestly the only thing that brings comfort. You are a good mama and I hope you are not too hard on yourself. I pray God would put on people’s heart and that they would obey to help you with meals or cleaning or taking the girls for the day. Keep your eyes fixed on Him and running to Him! Talk to Him, share what’s your heart verbally. Talking out loud brings healing in some way. I’m praying for you, sharing your grief and sharing tears with you! Be blessed my dear sister in Christ!

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  5. Sarah! My heart breaks for you. 😦
    There will never be words that can lessen your pain. You have every right as her mother to cry, be angry, and talk about Audrey. You need to, and don’t ever stop. I cannot begin to imagine your days, and pray that time will lessen the hurt. As a mother losing a child is the worst fear we face. My heart hurts when I read your blogs, it really does! I remember when my brother was killed…people would say to Mom it’s time to move on, you should be feeling better. What?! Not that easy! Keep writing about your beautiful Audrey, you are an inspiration my dear 🙂 God Bless and Big Hugs, Annita

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  6. Beautifully written! I can relate to every single word you wrote. You described so well the feelings in my heart the day I too kissed my baby boys beautiful face for the last time and how hard it was to leave without him.

    It has been almost 3.5 years and the pain never gets better. I think we just learn to live with it. Some days are worse then others and certain milestones make it especially challenging. The hardest is that while we will mourn our babies forever others have moved on and seem to expect the same. Our grief is simply too much for some to handle. I will keep talking about Bryson and will never let his memory fade.

    Thank you for sharing your journey and bringing awareness to those who thankfully do not have to walk the same dark awful road we do. It is a journey I wish on no one. I am certain Audrey is smiling down oh so proud of her Momma!

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  7. I rairly cry and this so touched me ….there will be no tears in Heaven and we will be with thoses that we love forever ……but for now we feel the pain that will never go away until then …..but focus on the forever when you feel that life sucks hard and God will lift you up or send a momment that makes it worth it ….you are loved by the one who made you Jesus is the reason we get up xxxxxoooo keep writing keep talking who cares what people think you only answer to God

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  8. It has been 7 years for us, and it has helped to take the edge off the grief, I look at the 2 wonderful daughters I have , although they do not replace Josiah, they help ease the pain.Our oldest who was 2 when he lost his brother along with God got us through the tough times, through the first everything. We knew that we needed to provide a happy environment for him. On the first anniversary of his death, our friends and family were with us and we planted Josiah’s garden , a living memorial. Talk about Audrey as much as you want,those who care will listen, those who don’t aren’t worthy of your time. It is easy though to get lost in your grief , remember always you have a loving husband and children that are there for you, as well as family and friends. Hand in hand together you will work through this. You have started on an incredible journey that will bring healing to so many people as well as you. “For the plans I have for you are Great”. Word’s spoken from God, pray always , he will guide you through your stormy days and sunny days. God bless you and your family.

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  9. God understands Sarah- He gave his only son- There is no timeline for grief- and don’t let other people try to dictate one for you. This is not a job loss we’re talking about- There is no getting over this – keep moving, yes, keep living, yes- keep your eyes on God & your heart will continue to find little pockets of peace as you learn to live in this new reality. Your two angels watch over you- let them comfort you from a far, someday you will be together again. Cry, laugh, rage and keep looking for the little blessings in your daily life.<3

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