When The Proof Is In The Picture.

when someones always missing 2when someones always missing                       (Canada Day 2014)                                           (Thanksgiving 2014)

“Grieving the loss of a child is a process, it begins the day your child passes and ends the day the parent joins them.” – BJ Karrer

Dearest Audrey,

    This week you would have been seven months old. When I think about the fact that I gave birth to you over half a year ago I can’t believe it. The thought sounds crazy to me. At this time you would have been beginning to crawl and I would have been frantically looking around to baby proof all of the dangers you would soon be getting into. This would have been close to the time where I would be beginning to panic that I only had five months left with you before having to return back to work.

   As I laid in bed the other night scrolling through Facebook, a picture of you, your sisters, and cousin showed up on the screen. For a minute it took my breath away. I began to cry as I was face to face with the reality that you really were here not that long ago. I still struggle with being able to look at your pictures because it makes me miss you all the more. 

  The picture was from Canada Day and you four were all dressed in matching shirts ready to head out for community celebrations and fireworks. That day was full of so much joy. I have so many wonderful memories of our family laughing and enjoying life….but what I also thought about that picture was how oblivious I was to the fact that your remaining days left with us were few and that in a mere one-hundred twenty hours, our lives were about to change forever.

  Suddenly I thought back to my picture I had posted from thanksgiving. A picture with the exact same people in it….only this time, just three months later…. there were three. See you were missing, and seeing the pictures together was like a giant punch in the stomach as I realized you were not there. The realization that you were never going to be there again made me sob even harder.

  I thought about me and your auntie being pregnant, and how next year we would add two more children to that picture….but you…..you would continue to always remain absent as the years go by.

   Truth is I feel like I miss you more now. The flash backs from that morning seem too haunt me on an almost daily basis, and I can hear my terrified scream and feel me holding your lifeless body at the most random times of my day. The saying that ” time heals all wounds” couldn’t be farther from the truth. See, I still miss you everyday

   As I wiped my tears from my cheeks and began to drift to sleep in the very same bed you died in, I smiled for you. I smiled at the memories of love…and joy….and happiness that can never be taken from me, even in your death. What I want you to know is that I will never forget you and I will spend everyday until my very last breath trying to keep your memory alive. For as long as I live, you will forever be my precious child.

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