My only hope is in you. – Psalm 39:7
Dear Little Baby A,
Tomorrow I am sixteen weeks pregnant with you and I am scared. Not only am I scared but I feel guilty. I feel guilty because in all honesty, I have spent the last sixteen weeks trying to ignore your presence.
See, your sister died exactly four months ago today and your mommy misses her terribly every moment. Because of her sudden and unexpected death, a part of me now fears the same fate for you.
My grief has taken such a huge toll on my health physically and emotionally that I already feel like an inadequate mama. Between the emotional overeating and the immense amount of stress on my body, I feel like I am already giving you a rough start.
Don’t get me wrong, my denial has not been because I don’t want you….but because I am scared that I won’t get to have you. I am scared to see your sweet little face. I am scared for the feeling of you wrapping your finger around mine for the first time. I am scared to fall madly in love with you…….because I am completely terrified of losing you.
Two weeks ago I was able to see you for the first time. It only took seconds of seeing you move around on that black and white screen to realize that my weeks of denial had been pointless….because you….you are not meant to be denied. That I can not be scared of not having you because regardless of what happens, I already do.
You are meant to be here. God meant for me to be your mommy regardless of the too much chocolate and the stress and grief I am facing. You are wanted, and you are loved. Regardless of my desperate longing for Audrey, you are not her. You are you…and you are enough. Truth is, you were not planned by me…..but YOU were planned by God. He doesn’t make mistakes and you will never be one.
Your story is already amazing. In fact, you were created at one of the most vulnerable, intimate, and closest times of your Daddy and I’s lives. You were conceived admidst so much pain, suffering, grief, and devastation, yet it has allowed us to once again feel joy, thankfulness, and most importantly hope. You my little one, have helped bring light into the darkness.
When Audrey died, all of my hopes, dreams, and plans for my family died with her. By the grace of God your life has brought new ones. Thank you.
I thank you for allowing me to sense Gods love through you and most importantly I thank God for you. You are an answered prayer I was not even aware of. In my days of doubt ahead, know that I may be doubting my abilities to care for you, or question my readiness for another baby…….but my love for you is nothing to be questioned.
Until we meet.