“Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD. -Jeremiah 1:8
Today I wanted to scream. Actually…. to be one hundred percent truthful, I wanted to throw myself on to the floor and just kick, and holler, and cry. Today I was three years old again….waiting for someone to come pick me up and love me through the ugly.
What would cause such a reaction you ask? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.
Maybe it was the dog that nipped at my daughter today, reminding me that I was once again unable to protect her. Maybe it was the dishwasher that for some reason….did not finish its cycle, leaving my dishes no more cleaner than when they had started. Maybe it was the flood I found in my kitchen, as my two year old drained an entire jug of water from the cooler.
Or maybe………just maybe……it had nothing to do with any of it, but only provided a gateway for my grief to pour in through. An outlet for me to become angry for a reason I could see. A reason I had an answer to.
Today was an ugly day. A day where grief showed its power, its isolation, its ability to overcome my every move.
As I went about my day unable to focus, full of anger, and desperately begging for my life to return to how it was…..I felt completely consumed by my grief. In an instant I had stopped letting go and letting God.
Today I found myself hanging on by a thread. I felt hopeless. I felt ugly. I felt exhausted from the never ending battle with my emotions.
Tonight I still feel all of those things, but what I don’t feel is alone. I now have a renewed understanding that my God will continue to love me through the screams, through the doubt, and most importantly through the ugly.