Being Thankful In The Unknown.

” God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust his will.” – Psalm 37.5

 Dear Sweet Audrey,

       As Christmas draws nearer and nearer the reality that you are not going to be here is finally starting to set in. I think by now,  people just assume that after five months of your death I should already be aware of that fact….. but a small piece of my heart will always remain in denial. A tiny piece of it will forever be desperately searching for you to just come home.

     Lately I can feel me holding your limp body that dark stormy morning. I can see your Daddy and Grammy desperately trying to breathe life back into you while I stood in disbelief. I have found myself continually going back to the day before it all ended, to find something, anything that would have gave me a clue as to the life rattling events that were about to occur.

     The day before had been perfect. In fact, it was the biggest hurricane we had all year. Daddy had went with Papa to help with a tow call and we hung out in pajamas all day. The power was out so we played games with your sisters, we snuggled,  and we smiled at each others silly faces. That whole day while the outside was ugly, and messy, and cold…our home was filled with warmth, and love. It was truly one of the most beautiful days of my life.

hh

(The last picture I ever took of you.)

   That evening once your daddy got home, we packed you all up and headed to Aunties for a candlelight board game night. I thought it would be a fun memory for your sisters to have…. but little did I know it would be one I would cherish the most. 

    We spent the night laughing, eating, and being together. You snuggled close to me and nursed through the whole night. I remember placing you next to me in the car seat once you fell asleep. You were so beautiful lit by candlelight. 

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(Playing games at Aunties)

   We stayed out so late…you and your sisters all fell asleep in the car on the way home. We carried you all in one by one and placed you in bed. Your Daddy and I made a great assembly line. I never imagined that would be the last time I would ever carry you into our home.

   I placed you in your playpen at the foot of our bed. You were so peaceful looking. I couldn’t leave you there though. I couldn’t leave you by yourself in the dark and cold. I scooped you back up and brought you in bed with me. You needed your mama, and I needed you. 

   You woke up just one more time to feed. There were no signs, there were no warnings…but it would be the last time you would ever close your eyes on this earth. In a brief moment….in a dark room….in my arms…..in his arms.….you died.

     The day before your death was perfect. The unknown remains just that….unknown. I have learned to be thankful for that because I was able to enjoy your final moments. They were not spent in denial of what was to come. They were not spent in tears or fear of what I was about to lose. They were spent as any other day…filled with laughs and giggles and blowing raspberries on your tummy. I am becoming more and more thankful to God everyday for each and everyone of those moments.

      Oh how I love you. You were so amazing.You have brought so much indescribable joy to my life. I can’t imagine how much joy has been brought to yours now that you are in Heaven. Indescribable and amazing are just a few words Im sure you would use. You were a little piece of Heaven on earth to me. 

     I am coming to realize that final day is an example of Gods plans for us. That if he did not leave things hidden from our view but yet laid out the whole picture before our eyes would we enjoy the moments as much? Would the sufferings and hard times be worth the blessings to follow? Would we work as hard to get the rewards? If God gave us all the clues…and all the answers to our unknowns in life, would we even have any reason to hope and to believe in him in the first place? 

    This Christmas while my heart aches for you and my mind tries to play tricks with my reality, I take comfort in the fact that someone else is in control of it all. That there is someone else to help me through. I am learning to be thankful in each and every moment. To continue to make as many memories as I can in the time that I am given. I am going to remember that you are where HE is…..That you may have left my arms but you will never leave his…and if he is always with me…then you will never be too far behind.

Merry Christmas Audrey

Love, Mommy

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