What She Sees….Not Another Mommy Blog.

    Don’t let comparison steal your joy. – Unknown

Since joining the blogging world  I can not help but be aware of the many mommy blogs. Each and everyone I have read has began with their reality. Their messy house, their fast food debates, or home school troubles. Each one trying so desperately to defend the way they choose to parent from the differing opinions in the world.

 I have been there so many times. In fact, each one I have read has reminded me of my own insecurities as a mother in one way or another. 

   I have gone through so many different stages in my eight short years of mommy hood already. I have been the mom mopping floors at three in the morning desperately searching for that sense of accomplishment of a clean house. I have tried to put housework on hold, only to drive myself even more crazy in the chaos accumulating around me as each day passed. I have gone through times in my life where I parented my children in a way that people closest to me opinions were based off,  just to make them proud or to seek their approval. I have even attempted a days worth of complete clean eating…only to end up with starved, frustrated children (and husband) at the end of the day. 

  Each and everyone of those things leaving me feeling inadequate or a failure.

  But based on what?

  Based on who?

  The views of others…. The practices of other mothers who are also facing their own challenges, insecurities, and imperfections.

 Since Audreys death my own views have been slowly changing. I remember the morning that Audrey died and the RCMP first told me they had to go to inspect my house as part of their protocol. I remember sitting there in my mismatched pajamas, holding my lifeless daughter in my arms and feeling embarrassed. Embarrassed that they were going to be walking in to a sink full of dirty dishes and my girls laundry and toys strewn across the floor. I immediately began to worry about what the state of my house would cause them to think about me as a mother… about the death of my child…..like the outcome could somehow have been different if I could have looked like I had it all together.

 Looking back I have learned to be thankful for that sink full of unwashed dishes. Thankful that I did not spend the day of July fifth, Two-thousand fourteen tirelessly cleaning but with my precious girl in my arms.

  It had been a defining moment for me as a mom. A moment where I finally realized that the eight years prior I had spent attempting to live up to other peoples standards and of caring what other mothers thought about me didn’t matter. That the spot of the mommy scale that I was trying so hard to rank high on has never really existed in the first place. For years I have been letting comparison steal my joy.

  Not only do I strongly believe that God has chosen each of us individually to be our children’s mother….but I believe that we were all created different for a reason. That we have all been uniquely equipped with our own strengths and weaknesses to raise our children the way they are meant to be raised. We are all fighting a battle against each other that we are already winning within ourselves.

   Saying that, In each and every blog I read there is one thing that I always feel gets missed. The ones opinion that truly does matter. The ones who made us all mamas in the first place. 

Our children.

 My focus and concerns have shifted to what they think of me…..to their happiness. Not yours.

  My actions are now based on their needs or the impact that they will have on their lives and future. Not yours.

   I have no control over other children…but I do have full responsibility and have been completely entrusted over my own.

  As my children continue to grow and move on into their own lives my hope is that I have prepared them with the independence and life skills necessary to live a happy, healthy, balanced life. I hope they look back and remember me not just with a broom in my hands but with them in my arms……..I hope they learn to make healthy choices but also remember our annual summer ice cream supper. I hope when their own toddler marks all over the walls of their home they don’t just remember harsh words but the gentle approach I tried to take. I wish that when they are faced with heartbreak and hard times they can remember and cling to the very same faith that helped strengthen me.

  Most importantly I hope when my time comes and I am no longer here….that when they catch a glimpse of themselves in the mirror and see a piece of me within them….that they are proud. 

  Because in the end…we are not leaving our views…our legacy, behind to each other.

  We are leaving it to them.



When A Moment Would Never Be Enough.

“I am blessed for each moment I had with you.” – Unknown

     I often see quotes or hear people talk about if they could just have one more dance, one more hug, one more kiss, one more moment with a loved one. To be honest I have found myself caught up with those very same thoughts at times. I find myself thinking how wonderful it would be to just see them, feel them, or smell them one more time. I sometimes get so desperate when I feel like I am already forgetting little things about Audrey and just want to remember them a little more for a little longer.

    I remember feeling that exact same way when we lost Alexis. When we found out she had passed in utero at almost thirty-two weeks gestation my first thoughts were that she would never feel my arms, she would never feel my lips against her face, and that I would never get to look into her beautiful blue eyes. I remember feeling sheer panic as I realized that my worst nightmares had came true and that my chances of ever being able to “meet” her here on earth had been ripped out from underneath me when we had been so close. It made no sense. I was so angry. It wasn’t fair.

  Over the next few weeks I became obsessed with just being able to see her and hold her because thats all I had left to look forward to…..but it wasn’t long before that experience, that dream I had in my mind was taken away from me too.

   I was in labor for the twins and I was experiencing a million different emotions at the same time. While I was excited to meet Amelia and to be able to see Alexis…. I also became scared because I knew in a matter of hours I would no longer be carrying them. Not only would I no longer be carrying Alexis in my womb but I would not be carrying her home in my arms either. This was it.

   The nurses had asked us what we wanted to do. If we wanted to see her and dress her in an outfit or if we would rather not. I was scared. I was completely terrified. I had spent the last couple weeks asking doctors and googling pictures of what I might be faced with but no one could tell me for sure. Because she had been passed in my belly for six weeks no one could tell me exactly what she was going to look like. As I took a deep breathe in I told the nurse I didn’t want to see her during delivery. That I wanted them to bring her to another room first so they could dress her and prepare me for what was next. I knew I wanted to see her but now that the moment was a mere few hours away I was so sure I was ready. 

    During my few hours of labour I  continued to fantasize about the possibility of her still being alive. About the chances that the doctors could have been wrong. Although I had seen her lifeless body on ultrasound week after week, I continued to pray for nothing short of a miracle.

    Amelia was born May eighth, Two-thousand twelve at 5:39 am and only a few minutes later at 5:42 am came Alexis. The minute I knew she was coming my fears left me and I tried to see. I had changed my mind and tried desperately to catch a glimpse of my beautiful daughter who my husband and I had created, but I couldn’t see her. They immediately brought her into the next room while my first twin cried on my chest.

    It wasn’t long before the nurse came in and my fear returned. She told me that I may not want to see her. That she had suffered some trauma from being in my belly for so long. She wasn’t going to look like the perfect little girl we had envisioned and my grief only worsened as I came face to face with the possibility that I was never going to get the closure that I had expected.

    I didn’t care what she looked like.

    I wanted to see her anyways. Regardless of her condition she was our baby..our daughter.. and there was no way I would be able to live with always wondering what if.  Only moments later they brought her to me.

….and they were right.

      She didn’t look like the perfect baby I had envisioned in my head. But to me she was perfect. She was my husbands and she was mine. Although her head had some deformities the rest of her was untouched. I  slowly counted ten little fingers and ten little toes.She had light hair on the top of her head which was more than I had expected. She was so tiny weighing only a pound and a half. Her little hand could not even wrap around my finger. She was so beautiful.

    Saying goodbye was awful. I remember not wanting to share pictures of her because I thought her deformity would somehow cause people to think that I shouldn’t grieve as badly as I was. 

    I spent a lot of time over the past few years wishing I could have had that time, just that one moment to have met her here. Lets face it, one moment would never be enough. Just like Audrey a mere sixty seconds more with them would only leaving me desperately wanting more….needing more. There would never be enough hugs, enough kisses, or enough goodbyes to comfort me to the point of being able to let go because I would never be ready….because I never wanted to let go.

      When I think about it now I would be so selfish to take them away from where they are. From where they are happiest and at peace. From where moments never end. 

    Sometimes when I think about wanting them back I also remind myself of all the heartaches and trials they will never have to face. The scraped knees, the broken hearts, the illness,  and all of the disasters and tragedies that are unfolding in the world around us. It is comforting to know at times that they will never have to go through any of it. That in their life they only knew love.

   On days like today I have been able to refocus my thoughts on the hello, on the reunion, and on the I will see them again. On the day that I will have both Audrey and Alexis in my arms again and will never have to let them go. Maybe not next year, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a moment but one day in his timing. Until then I will keep their memory in my heart. Audreys sweet smile will continue to be in my thoughts as I fall asleep, and I will hold on to the smell of her freshly bathed skin rubbed with the pink Johnsons baby lotion I loved so much. I will do what I can to enjoy life. To enjoy this new little life that is growing inside of me. To be thankful that my other children are here, and that I am able to help them and guide them in him through the moments in their lives.

    I am sure there are more days ahead where my desperateness for my sweet babies overcomes my thankfulness…. but today…as I sit in my cozy little home with a fire burning while the snow flakes gently fall outside. With my girls playing and giggling around me and a baby boy kicking in my tummy. Today…in this moment…I am thankful for all the memories I was blessed to have experienced. All the moments that were planned for me. The ones that were meant to be.


I May Never Understand….But Thank You.


” Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely ” – 1 Corinthians 13:12

     God…some days I miss you….. I miss your presence.

     It is if I have once again placed you in my back pocket. Keeping you close enough to reach if needed, yet hidden away just enough to enable me to feel not guilty for not making the time.

    Truth is…as you already know, over the past two years my heart has been broken, my marriage has been tested, my life has been uprooted, and my plans have been crushed. Then on July 6th, everything I thought I knew about life was changed in a single moment.

    As you have continually picked me back up over and over again…my faith has been strengthened, but as the realness of you has has been revealed, my fears of needing you have intensified.

    Honestly I feel worn out. I feel exhausted. I feel totally unable to cope with anything else that life may throw my way. In ways I have associated trusting you with pain at times. I guess it’s because those have been the times I have acknowledged your presence the most…when I need you. 

    In ways I have grown scared to need you….to leave my life in your hands now knowing that it could drastically unravel at any moment. It’s so hard to know that at any second something could happen. Something that you have the ability to change, fix, or save…but instead do not.

     I have become accustomed to waiting you out until the next tragedy…the next heartbreak or the next struggle. Therefore at times I get so caught up in relying on you to get through life’s trials that I have also forgotten that you are the one that brings joy in the first place. That with you comes love, acceptance, and so much peace. A peace that I now have no idea how I ever lived without.

    As time has gone by I have realized that while you may have the power to change such tragic circumstances and to save me from the pain…by not doing so has changed inside of me for the better, and has brought me so much closer to you.

    I have spent so much time in my life waiting for that. Waiting for a relationship with you. Yet no time has ever felt right. As years have flown by I thought I needed to have it all together before I pursued you……before I would be worthy to hold my head up high in church, or be able to begin to start friendships with the godly women I looked up to.  I was waiting for the right time to be able to do you right but it never came.

     What time I have wasted…

     All this time I didn’t need to get my life together to believe in you. I needed YOU to get my life together.

     I have finally realized that I could have spent my entire life waiting for that right moment, because in this life there will never be a perfect time.  That the time is now..in my imperfect life. I have had so many angry moments. So many times that I have questioned why me? Why do I have to face such heavy things while others seem to get off so easy. I am learning that you don’t play favorites. That things happen to good people all the time. That you are not here to take away all the pain or all the struggles, but to help me through them….to teach me through them.

    During the past six months you have strengthened me, you have rescued me, you have taught me things about myself and about you that I never thought was possible. Through Audreys death I have grown and continue to grow in you in more ways than one. 

   Most importantly you have shown me that although I may doubt, question, or become angry not once have you given up on me. That no matter how many times I have pushed you to the side…to you I have remained a priority. You are the one constant I have in my life. I may not deserve it…but because of YOUR sacrifice, YOUR pain, YOUR suffering, and YOUR grace I am and will continue to be worthy of knowing you. Worthy of saving…and worthy of your love.

   Thank you for helping me see that my imperfect timing has actually been your perfect one all along.


      Your trusting, yet sometimes stubborn Daughter.

My Biggest Lesson This Year.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2  Corinthians 12:9


   I felt a sense of relief wash over me as I typed the words, “Mentally I feel yucky today” and hit send. As I sat there with my family and friends happily celebrating New Years Eve around me….. there I was in mismatched pajamas trying my hardest to ignore that tonight was the beginning of a new year. 

  What was wrong with me? I didn’t have to work a night shift, and I had been so excited only days prior to be able to countdown the new year with my girls and husband. Now, all I could manage to do was sit and wait for whatever emotion I was going to feel next.

   Not even a minute later I received a message back. It was a message from another Mama that was also dreading this night, and that together we would get through it. 

   See, we had both lost our precious babies this year…..and although we had talked about how December thirty first was going to be a celebration for this hard, grief filled year to be over, it was actually the opposite. Instead of excited for the future, I felt panic stricken about leaving the past……about moving on into a new year and leaving one that had welcomed my precious Audrey behind. A little piece of me felt like I was losing more of her, and that I was once again being forced to move on without her.

   Two-thousand and fourteen had been hard, in fact it had been down right brutal…..but….it had also been filled with beautiful memories in the making. Two-thousand and fourteen had been filled with Audrey. 

   As the hours quickly ticked by, I found myself desperately trying to remember all the moments we had. Her birth, her precious little face, the way she smiled and lit up the whole entire room. In that moment it was if I thought the minute the clock struck midnight that everything about her would be gone. 

   After some hot chocolate and netflix with the girls….the clock eventually did strike twelve, some tears were shed, and I went to bed with a heavy heart. As I laid in bed staring at Audreys picture and praying for some peace of mind I heard a sound come from my phone.

   It was a message from another close friend and I read these words,


   She was right.

   I wasn’t leaving Audrey behind…she not only lives on in my heart in the years to come...but she is in my future. A future that because of God, I can look forward to never having to say goodbye again.

   New Years Eve has been another example of his perfect timing. Another act of love that shows me he is in control and that he is “bandaging my wounds.” Even though it may have been through a screen on the phone, he placed two special people in my path that night. People that showed me that I wasn’t alone. 

   Here I sit days later. I would like to say that after last year I am wiser, that I am stronger, and that I can make it through anything. I would like to say that because of Audrey’s death,  that this year I will love harder, I will appreciate all the small things, and I will never take anything for granted. 

   Truth is, I will fail at all of those things. I am human and I will become frustrated at times. There will be moments where I will refuse to take that extra five minutes to let my daughter stir the pancake batter, and moments where I raise my voice at my husband. Regardless of what I am aware of there will still be moments where I will be weak. Moments that I will not be able to get through on my own.

   That is the most important thing that I learned this year, the lesson that I am going to mess up at times, and that God is still going to be there to help me clean it up. That with him I do not have to try to be perfect, or supermom, or even super griever. That he will love me through the good times, but also through my darkest. That with him and his grace, I can truly make it through anything.

    Two thousand and fourteen may have tried to defeat me, but with him.. we defeated it.