My Biggest Lesson This Year.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2  Corinthians 12:9

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   I felt a sense of relief wash over me as I typed the words, “Mentally I feel yucky today” and hit send. As I sat there with my family and friends happily celebrating New Years Eve around me….. there I was in mismatched pajamas trying my hardest to ignore that tonight was the beginning of a new year. 

  What was wrong with me? I didn’t have to work a night shift, and I had been so excited only days prior to be able to countdown the new year with my girls and husband. Now, all I could manage to do was sit and wait for whatever emotion I was going to feel next.

   Not even a minute later I received a message back. It was a message from another Mama that was also dreading this night, and that together we would get through it. 

   See, we had both lost our precious babies this year…..and although we had talked about how December thirty first was going to be a celebration for this hard, grief filled year to be over, it was actually the opposite. Instead of excited for the future, I felt panic stricken about leaving the past……about moving on into a new year and leaving one that had welcomed my precious Audrey behind. A little piece of me felt like I was losing more of her, and that I was once again being forced to move on without her.

   Two-thousand and fourteen had been hard, in fact it had been down right brutal…..but….it had also been filled with beautiful memories in the making. Two-thousand and fourteen had been filled with Audrey. 

   As the hours quickly ticked by, I found myself desperately trying to remember all the moments we had. Her birth, her precious little face, the way she smiled and lit up the whole entire room. In that moment it was if I thought the minute the clock struck midnight that everything about her would be gone. 

   After some hot chocolate and netflix with the girls….the clock eventually did strike twelve, some tears were shed, and I went to bed with a heavy heart. As I laid in bed staring at Audreys picture and praying for some peace of mind I heard a sound come from my phone.

   It was a message from another close friend and I read these words,

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   She was right.

   I wasn’t leaving Audrey behind…she not only lives on in my heart in the years to come...but she is in my future. A future that because of God, I can look forward to never having to say goodbye again.

   New Years Eve has been another example of his perfect timing. Another act of love that shows me he is in control and that he is “bandaging my wounds.” Even though it may have been through a screen on the phone, he placed two special people in my path that night. People that showed me that I wasn’t alone. 

   Here I sit days later. I would like to say that after last year I am wiser, that I am stronger, and that I can make it through anything. I would like to say that because of Audrey’s death,  that this year I will love harder, I will appreciate all the small things, and I will never take anything for granted. 

   Truth is, I will fail at all of those things. I am human and I will become frustrated at times. There will be moments where I will refuse to take that extra five minutes to let my daughter stir the pancake batter, and moments where I raise my voice at my husband. Regardless of what I am aware of there will still be moments where I will be weak. Moments that I will not be able to get through on my own.

   That is the most important thing that I learned this year, the lesson that I am going to mess up at times, and that God is still going to be there to help me clean it up. That with him I do not have to try to be perfect, or supermom, or even super griever. That he will love me through the good times, but also through my darkest. That with him and his grace, I can truly make it through anything.

    Two thousand and fourteen may have tried to defeat me, but with him.. we defeated it.

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