I May Never Understand….But Thank You.

” Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely ” – 1 Corinthians 13:12

     God…some days I miss you….. I miss your presence.

     It is if I have once again placed you in my back pocket. Keeping you close enough to reach if needed, yet hidden away just enough to enable me to feel not guilty for not making the time.

    Truth is…as you already know, over the past two years my heart has been broken, my marriage has been tested, my life has been uprooted, and my plans have been crushed. Then on July 6th, everything I thought I knew about life was changed in a single moment.

    As you have continually picked me back up over and over again…my faith has been strengthened, but as the realness of you has has been revealed, my fears of needing you have intensified.

    Honestly I feel worn out. I feel exhausted. I feel totally unable to cope with anything else that life may throw my way. In ways I have associated trusting you with pain at times. I guess it’s because those have been the times I have acknowledged your presence the most…when I need you. 

    In ways I have grown scared to need you….to leave my life in your hands now knowing that it could drastically unravel at any moment. It’s so hard to know that at any second something could happen. Something that you have the ability to change, fix, or save…but instead do not.

     I have become accustomed to waiting you out until the next tragedy…the next heartbreak or the next struggle. Therefore at times I get so caught up in relying on you to get through life’s trials that I have also forgotten that you are the one that brings joy in the first place. That with you comes love, acceptance, and so much peace. A peace that I now have no idea how I ever lived without.

    As time has gone by I have realized that while you may have the power to change such tragic circumstances and to save me from the pain…by not doing so has changed inside of me for the better, and has brought me so much closer to you.

    I have spent so much time in my life waiting for that. Waiting for a relationship with you. Yet no time has ever felt right. As years have flown by I thought I needed to have it all together before I pursued you……before I would be worthy to hold my head up high in church, or be able to begin to start friendships with the godly women I looked up to.  I was waiting for the right time to be able to do you right but it never came.

     What time I have wasted…

     All this time I didn’t need to get my life together to believe in you. I needed YOU to get my life together.

     I have finally realized that I could have spent my entire life waiting for that right moment, because in this life there will never be a perfect time.  That the time is now..in my imperfect life. I have had so many angry moments. So many times that I have questioned why me? Why do I have to face such heavy things while others seem to get off so easy. I am learning that you don’t play favorites. That things happen to good people all the time. That you are not here to take away all the pain or all the struggles, but to help me through them….to teach me through them.

    During the past six months you have strengthened me, you have rescued me, you have taught me things about myself and about you that I never thought was possible. Through Audreys death I have grown and continue to grow in you in more ways than one. 

   Most importantly you have shown me that although I may doubt, question, or become angry not once have you given up on me. That no matter how many times I have pushed you to the side…to you I have remained a priority. You are the one constant I have in my life. I may not deserve it…but because of YOUR sacrifice, YOUR pain, YOUR suffering, and YOUR grace I am and will continue to be worthy of knowing you. Worthy of saving…and worthy of your love.

   Thank you for helping me see that my imperfect timing has actually been your perfect one all along.

  Love,

      Your trusting, yet sometimes stubborn Daughter.