Here I am.

 Sometimes God calms the storm…Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child… Unknown

     Here I sit staring at a storm outside while one brews within me.

     Here I am once again struggling…..questioning….battling. Seven months since Audreys death and facing the reality that I continue to be faced with the same emotions…the same thoughts..over and over again.

    Here I am questioning Audrey’s death. The whys….the how comes. Still waiting for the final autopsy reports of her brain, knowing in my heart that it will bring me no closer to an answer…yet my mind so desperately thinks it needs.

    Here I sit seven months pregnant with a precious little boy. A boy I feel so blessed to have been given, yet so unprepared for the emotions and fears of having him placed in to my arms.

   Here I sit continuing to fight for a marriage. A marriage that has been struck so very hard. A marriage that has been broken, yet continues to stand.

   Here I am struggling with acceptance. Acceptance that my life is not at the place I thought it would be. Acceptance that other people seem so much further ahead, as tragedy has continued to strike my family leaving us to feel left so very far behind.

   Here I sit discouraged. Questioning what is best for my family’s life….knowing that it will not only drastically change ours, but will change or hurt others that we love.

   Here I am looking back at how quickly…..how intensely…. death can change your relationships….your self……your entire life.

   Here I sit today feeling lonely, broken, ready to give up, and weak in my faith.

   But….

    Here HE sits once again….one hundred percent aware of my struggles. Here with me, beside me, wrapped around me. Ready to catch me at a seconds notice. Here to lift me up and to encourage me at my weakest. To show me that there is truly beauty in every storm.

   And therefore for that….here I sit….continuing to be…thankful.

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