“For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.” Ecclesiastes 1:18
Today was hard.
Actually, scratch that……..
Today was excruciatingly painful.
It has been exactly eight months, and seven days since you left my arms. Yet this morning as I stood in your nursery for what would be the last time…. it was if it was just yesterday…just moments ago…that you were here.
As I began to empty out your room, a task that I thought I was so ready for….a panic set in that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Today was the day where your precious room that I had so excitedly prepared for you……a room that has been a constant reminder of your short but important presence in our home….was going to be no more.
I emptied out your crib that still contained your blanket and sleeper. I held them to my face and as I breathed in I could still smell you. In fact, I ran to Daddy to let him smell your scent that still lingered in the fabric. I have never been so thankful for the strong smell of baby spit up that not even the washer could erase.
It had only been one year ago I had painted this room as you jumped in my belly each time your Daddy had hit a nail into the wall while hanging the mouldings. As I stood there today painting over that pink chevron wall, I could no longer hold back the tears that fell each stroke I made. As the pink slowly faded away I could not help but panic that you may to. I realized that a year ago I was different…..I was unaware of lifes ability to drastically change at no moments notice.
I realized that I too have been hiding behind a wall….behind a persona that I could remain the same person that I was before your death. That with hard work and by pretending that everything was returning to normal I could remain that same pink wall with only a few scratches in my paint.
Truth is I am not the same. I will never be that person again. Sometimes I feel broken, I feel like I miss the old me. Then I look back at my life before you came into it. Your life gave mine so much meaning…and your death….your death has and continues to change me, yes at times for the worse…but mostly for the better.
I never imagined one year ago where my life would be today. That within a year I would have said goodbye to you, while saying hello to another. I would have never thought it was possible to experience so much in twelve short months and I still feel like I have not had enough time to prepare me for whats ahead in such a few short weeks.
Even though I still feel weak at times, and I live in a constant struggle of fear while preparing for a new baby and trusting in God to keep him safe and in my arms, because of him I also feel strong….I feel wiser…..and I feel capable.
So baby girl…today as your nursery disappeared from our home…as I packed away your things while unpacking for another, know that your presence will forever be in my heart….in my memory, and in our home.
Love Mommy xo