For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
I feel so unprepared for what is about to happen.
As your due date approaches quicker than I could have ever expected, and we are down to nothing but a mere few weeks before your slippery new to the world body is placed on my chest, panic has began to set in.
Preparing for your arrival has been challenging at times. I struggle with purchasing any baby items that are for any age older than three months….I don’t know why…but it’s like my heart is unwilling to accept that you may be here for longer. I find myself preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. The unknown is so very frightening.
After Audreys death I found so much strength in my faith….in Jesus. I hung on tightly for dear life as he carried me through the moments, weeks, and months. I clung to him by immersing my every being in him, and surrounding myself with the strong godly woman and support systems that he had provided me.
I felt closer to him at the worst time in my life then I had ever felt before. When I felt I had lost everything…I found him, and although I had done nothing to deserve it…he rescued me. For the first time in my life I had thought I had finally got it. I felt loved, I felt like enough, I felt safe.
But over the past couple of weeks, as your arrival becomes imminent I have felt the total opposite. I have felt afraid of the God I had come to know, and terrified at the fact that his way of saving me may not exactly be my own.
This week as I was driving I was faced with a question I had been dreading to answer. As your sister asked me if I could promise her that you wouldn’t die, I could not help but become angry inside.
In that moment I felt like a complete hypocrite because as I tried so hard to tell her that I could not make that promise and that we needed to trust in God…. I was internally struggling with the fact that I didn’t even know if I was able to trust his plan….especially if it meant that you could be taken from me too.
I again found myself questioning everything I believed in. I began to remember how innocent I felt before Audreys death. How care free things seemed before I knew the devastating realities that life can throw my way. In some ways I longed for it back….but then I felt God through you.
See as I sat in a group this week. Surrounded by a bunch of amazing woman that I have grown with and love. The same bunch that have continually lifted me up over the past year, I felt like a stranger. I didn’t feel like myself. As I sat listening, I was internally fighting with God about what exactly he wanted from me…about why he would cause me to go through so much fear and pain.
Then you moved.
As I felt and watched your little parts move my belly I felt love. I felt like I was exactly where I am suppose to be. That I was meant to be Abigails, Amelias, & Alexis’s mom. That I was meant to be Audrey’s mom…….and that I am meant to be yours. That I will continue to be carried through the pain and the struggles that come along with your arrival, but that I will also be blessed through the joy, healing, and love you bring to our family.
Most importantly, I have realized that although I feel just as unprepared for your arrival as I did for Audrey’s death….I can rest in the fact that God has been preparing me and my heart for you before your were even formed in my womb.
So as the days continue to pass…and my mind continues to struggle with all the what ifs and fears of your first nap, your first nights, and the every days. I will continue to remember that he is bigger than any fear and that moment by moment, day by day, and month by month of your precious life we will conquer them together .
You are already loved so much little guy.
See you soon.