“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6”
The moment that my labour started sheer panic set in within me. I was a mere few hours away from meeting my son. A moment that I had been dreaming about for the past nine months, but I now felt anything but ready for. In fact……what I really wanted to do was get up off of the bed and come back another day. But the truth was, no matter the day or time…I was never going to be fully prepared for the life altering event that was just about to take place.
We were here.
The time was here.
This was it.
As my husband took my hand I could hear the doctor telling me that he was going to break my water and we were going to have a baby. As the fear built inside me and tears filled my eyes….all I could do was pray….pray for courage…..pray for strength….pray that I was as ready as I could be in that moment.
When I could no longer fight my body from what it was ready to do, in three pushes…in the exact same room…..on the exact same bed I delivered Audrey on just a year before…..Asher Russell Robicheau came rushing in to the world on April tenth, two-thousand fifteen.
They placed him on my chest and it was one of the most terrifying, overwhelming, and absolutely beautiful moments of my entire life. I cried as I heard him cry and was able to see all his sweet features that he shared with his siblings. I wept in fear for his precious little life, and I rejoiced in the gift that I had just been given. God was with us, He was ours, and I was so thankful.
Once we were home it didn’t take long for fear and anxiety to set in to my every moment of my every day. I quickly realized that I had never truly understood the amount of guilt I had placed on myself for not being able to prevent Audreys death, until I was entrusted with another little life and night time set in.
There have been so many moments of immense fear and panic as he sleeps too soundly for me to notice his chest moving up and down, and I cannot help it as my mind continually shifts to the what if’s and time frames. There have been moments of deep longing for my baby girl who was just this age a short year ago.
To say that this week has been a struggle would be an understatement. There are times when I have had to focus on not just getting through the day but sometimes just getting through a minute….each feeding…or each nap. There have been times when my anxiety has been so high that I have been unable to do anything but cry, pray, and plead for some sanity…or just some sign that everything is going to be okay. God has remained constant this entire time, and at my most weak and difficult moments is when I have been able to sense his presence the most.
Although no child can ever replace Audrey, Asher has already brought a joy and a hope that I didn’t feel capable of feeling again. Through my entire pregnancy, God had been preparing me for Ashers arrival as I learned to trust, to depend, and to give it to him. He had once again, begun to heal my heart beyond what I could ever have imagined.
This past year has brought pain. It has been a battle….and a struggle, but it has also brought us Asher. It has been and continues to be a tremendous growing period for me, and although I know there are so many more trying moments ahead all I can do is pray that he continues to take each anxious moment, and each fear and use them to shape and mould me into the person he wants me to be.
In the days ahead I cling to the fact that he never leaves me….that he is still here…that his plans for me are greater than my own…and that I do not have to be afraid for he his bigger than any fear.