When I Just Don’t Feel Ready…….

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” Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. – Matthew 6:34 ”

   I will never forget the day that I found out that my womb was once again being occupied by another little being just a little over a month after losing my little Audrey. I was camping, and I can still feel the panic that built up inside of me as I sat in that tiny trailer bathroom while watching a second faint blue line appear on the screen. One moment, one blue line…was all it took to change my life. I realized that I  had nine months to grieve the most unimaginable loss in my life, all while trying to prepare my body, heart, and mind for a new child that I was about to gain. It was the first out of many times I would cry out in fear that there was absolutely no way I was ready for this, and another reason that would cause me to begin again to question God’s plan for my life.

 As the months quickly passed by I clung to God’s grace and to hope. It wasn’t long before I was half way there and completely terrified for every appointment and ultrasound. Faced with the reality that life really could drastically change in an instant made the unknown even that much more scarier.

 I continued to struggle with fear for the remainder of my pregnancy. I would pray desperately for God to let this little one be born alive and healthy. All while expecting the worst of outcomes at any moment. My faith was tested unlike ever before as I tried so hard to believe that I would actually be okay with Gods plan for my life….even if it involved another loss. To be one hundred percent honest, I wasn’t sure I would be, but I felt that admitting that would be a sign of weakness…a sign that once again I was questioning my faith.

 Then I remembered that God tells us that weakness is not a sign of defeat. Weakness lets him in to do his best work. ” For my power is made perfect in your weakness. – 2 Corinthians 12:9 “

  See, my fears didn’t make me weak…..they made me human. My questions didn’t mean I didn’t believe in an almighty God…….they meant that I believed in someone enough to question them in the first place. Once again he wasn’t taking my fears and worries away, but he was teaching me. He was asking me to stay with him, to walk with him, but most importantly to trust in him.

Once Asher was safely here in my arms, and the pregnancy worries were no longer present…that has been when the real trusting has began. It’s been harder than I prepared myself for. The first night that I woke up completely terrified as I opened my eyes to see my son laying ever so still besides me. The first time that I panic strickenly picked him up in a deep sleep and his limp body slouched between my hands just as Audrey’s had. The continual countdown of time left until exactly two months and twenty days. All the times that I sit and watch his chest rise up and down as I wait for it to stop at any moment. The what if scenarios that replay over and over in my head. The drives to town that now take twice as long as the need to pull over and check on him is too strong. The moments where I look at my precious boy and the fear of picturing him in a casket is paralyzing. All the times that I have been able to do absolutely nothing but hold on tight and pray, sob, and beg that God would take the fears away so that I could be able to function through my day, or manage to close my eyes at night. Every single one of these moments have led me straight back to God.

   Exactly one month has passed since Ashers birth and I feel no more ready for this journey then the day I found out he would be joining our family….but I am ready to continue to be thankful for the gift that I have been given and to remember that he knows what he is doing. That regardless if I feel I am ready or not, he has chosen me for this and with him I am  already unknowingly prepared.

So tonight…while Asher sleeps beside me…..while I continue to fight my eyes from closing, and reopen them to check just one last time. Tonight, while my heart beats fast as sleep approaches as if there is a monster in the room…. I am scared and feel weak…… but I cling tight to the fact that this moment too shall pass…and that no fear is too big for him. 

 I may be weak…but with him…I am strong.

  With him…I am ready.

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