“He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” – Mark 4:39
The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest weeks since Audrey’s death. When the lingering grief and my mounting anxieties collided with the exhaustion of a newborn and the daily tasks of running a household, I watched as my ” I got it all together ” bubble completely popped before my eyes. I would like to think it came without warning, but that would be a lie. It has been coming for sometime now.
Instead of asking for help, I pushed it away. After all…. I could handle it. To me, admitting that everything was now very quickly getting the best of me was admitting I was weak. It was admitting that maybe….just maybe I didn’t have everything as together as it seemed. All of a sudden it was as if looking out became a whole different picture than what people seen looking in. My smiles continued to hide the pain and the thoughts of my never ending mind. I began to ask God if this was ever going to end. I began to question if he was still even there. If he could still see me, or hear me…and if so then why was he so silent in this.
Then as I was sitting in his presence this week, I came across a story in the book of Mark. In the story, Jesus and his disciples were sailing in a boat across the water. Jesus decided to lay down and rest and while he drifted off to sleep, a huge storm crept up and threatened to sink the boat. The disciples became scared as the waves crashed over them. They ran down in to the boat to wake up Jesus and asked him “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown.” In return Jesus says ‘” Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” See, the disciples had been so concerned with what was going on around them, that they had forgotten who was in their boat to begin with.
As I read this, tears immediately filled my eyes as I felt the spirit began to fill me. I was being just like them. In that moment it wasn’t about proving how strong I was or by having it all together. In fact, the times that I have grown the most has been at my most broken. God’s not always going to shout loudly at me the minute things get hard, sometimes I need to sit in him and listen silently for his wisdom.
What I learned this week is just what the disciples had forgotten. That through the good days, the cloudy, or the out right storms in my life. Whether I can hear him loudly or as a quiet whisper. Whether he calms my storm or allows it to rage on a little longer…..I need to remember the fact that he got in to my boat in the first place, and that he knows just what he is doing.