81 days.

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“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God – Connie Ten Boom”

    Since becoming pregnant with Asher, I often wondered what today would feel like. Since Ashers birth I have counted down the days until this very one….Today Asher is eighty one days old. Today Asher is as old as Audrey ever was. Today makes me both worry and give thanks for a tomorrow.

    As I sit tonight with my baby boy snuggled in my arms, I cannot help but reflect on the last two months and twenty days that I have had with him. In some ways it is if I have no idea what to do with the two months and twenty-first one. See, in some ways I have felt like this day may never come. I realized I have been going through life waiting for my infant to die. After two losses in a row I lost the ability to imagine life after three months. I lost the ability to think too far in to the future.

  But here we sit. 

   I remember my eighty first day with Audrey. Snuggled in a chair in a hurricane. We had no power but she managed to make life inside our little home so peaceful as she lit up our lives and warmed our hearts with her smiles and coo’s. I had no idea it would be her last. That I would go in to tomorrow without her…..that I would be sitting here a year later without her.

  But here I am.

    Today I reflect on my last day living in constant comparison. A day has yet to go by that I haven’t compared Ashers actions, coos, and timelines to hers, but tomorrow Ashers life becomes a new journey. Tomorrow, day eighty two becomes his own. 

    The days leading up to this one has been hard. I have grieved, learned, grew, and prayed. A part of me is scared for tomorrow….but as the sun rises, and the unknowns and emotions of my day begin to unfold before my eyes….I rest easy in the fact that I may not be in control or know exactly what I am doing, and that it is okay.

   Because God does.

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