When He Loved Me Anyways.

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But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  – Isiah 43:1

      I learned at an early age what it felt like to feel unloved. In fact, every time my mother handed me over to another foster home while mentally unable to care for me, it caused me to question if anyone could possibly love me a little bit more. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t get it. What could I have possibly done to deserve to be ripped from my home….from my familiar? Why was I not loved enough? What was wrong with me?

   I would continue to ask myself those same tough questions…and to try to find blame for years to come. Each foster home I would encounter would once again cause me to fear that at any moment….that at any wrong doing, I could have to pack up my few belongings and walk out of that front door into another social workers back seat. I strived to be perfect. To do the right things. To say the right things. I lost all sense of who I really was in order to be accepted, kept, or loved. I was good at it….really good at it. But through doing it I also did not get to learn what it felt like to mess up….and to be loved through it all.

  Broken, I thought I found love for the first time in the backseat of a boys car….but those few minutes of feeling wanted quickly turned in to even more shattered dreams, guilt, and abandonment as I stood on the front step of my then home and watched as he drove away to never be seen again. I wanted so badly….so desperately to be somebody’s somebody.

  As an adult I brought to my marriage insecurities, unfulfillable expectations, and resentment. I struggled to find myself as I alternated between my true self, and who I thought I needed to be to be loved. I questioned my worth when my husband raised his voice, I became frightened when we didn’t disagree or he didn’t live up to my expectations, and I watched in desperateness as he would drive off to clear his head, wondering if he was going to come back.

  When my children were born I became anxious that I couldn’t be the mother they needed or that I wanted for them. I wondered if they would grow up resenting me for the lack of material things I could not afford to buy, the mickey mouse ears they would never wear on their heads, or if they would remember each time I would ever raise my voice at them. I loved them deeply, so unconditionally….but it wasn’t until Audreys death that shook me to my inner core and left me shattered in a million pieces that I was finally able to see that I had been loved all along.  

    He had been with me every time I stepped foot through another doorway of a new home, I was already wanted as I stood on the doorstep watching that boy drive away, and I have always been loved through every mistake I have made sense then.

  As I began to pick up the pieces of my life…..of myself… I was shown that I had the opportunity to throw out the broken, to fix the damaged, and to restore the forgotten. I will never forget the life changing moment when I realized that I have been somebody’s somebody all along. Somebody that knows every single wrong doing and bad thought I have ever been guilty of. Someone who has continually not only watched every time I have fell against his words, but has welcomed me back unconditionally with open arms regardless of the crime. Someone I cannot hide from.

  Not only does he love me through the pain I have caused myself or the hurt I have been given in life,  but he has loved me regardless of the pain that I have caused to him…to His Son. That even though I am the reason for his blood shed, and his scarred hands he still loves ME.

  So today if you are feeling inadequate, unappreciated, or unloved. If you are sitting there questioning your worth, or your faith…..left wondering where to go from here. 

Remember this one thing;

That regardless of the world we live in. That never less the numerous ads and articles that tells us our worth is in our image, in our home, in our relationships, and even in our children, that we in our selves are enough. That regardless of whether we are known to the world, he knows our name. That in the brokenness of abuse, of divorce, and even death…he will always remain our familiar.

 Because we….we are HIS.

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