I was sitting at my kitchen table with a hot cup of tea in hand. It was only seven in the morning but I already felt flustered, frustrated, and helpless as I sat down completely surrounded by dirty laundry, unclean dishes, and toys. In that moment I felt just like the things strewn across the floor…..completely out of place.
When I could no longer filter out the girls consistent bickering over who was touching whose things and who was sitting where for breakfast I determined that today was going to be a bad day. Today was going to be filled with household chores, cranky kids, and a defeated Mama…..and that if I could just manage to use what energy I had left to slip in to my usual survival mode and barrel through the next twelve hours….then surely tomorrow would be better.
Deciding I was going to down my still-semi-hot tea before starting my day I desperately reached for anything I could look at besides the over whelming mess around me. I still don’t know how the magazine got there, or where I had got it from in the first place…all I know is that I looked down and the word HOPE took up the entire cover. Oh how I clung to that word while I half mindlessly began to flip through the pages. Then I seen them……nine printed words. Simple words on their own, but when placed together became life changing. Words that shot like arrows straight at me. Embedding their true meaning in to my heart and changing my entire perspective in a matter of moments.
“I will be filled with Joy because of YOU.”~Psalm 9:2
Not because of me.
Not because of my children.
Not because of material things.
Not because of financial security.
But because of him.
But simply because I know a God that is good. A God that doesn’t define my worth by undone chores. A God that is on my side in this mothering business. A god that loves me.
….and right there at my kitchen table, surrounded by complete chaos, with tears streaming down my face I got it……..not because of the overwhelming feeling of helplessness I had experienced just seconds before, but at the overwhelming feeling of joy that had been restored. A joy that couldn’t just be seen on my face…but felt in my heart.
As I read those words over and over again it was if I began to see everything so differently. Not because the verse magically cleaned my home or calmed my children…but instead changed me. In the middle of my messy morning I was able to see the joy in the fact that I have a home, in the fact that my kids are taken care of and healthy, and in the HOT cup of tea I was able to drink without having to reheat three times. All things in which he has provided for me.
Come along with me on my journey of finding the joy in the deepest darkest corners of my life.The joys that I didn’t want to see, and the joys that I never knew existed. I have spent the last fourteen months after Audreys death merely surviving, let alone living. He is showing me that I can miss my sweet girl and choose to enJOY my life in the everyday of everydays again. That there is joy to be found in every aspect of our beautiful messy lives.
I have no idea where he will lead me. I only know that I am finding myself along the way.
Today I choose Joy.
Ready, set….here I go.