Because You’ll Never Meet Her.

My Dear Sweet Asher Baby, 

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   I was standing in your grandmothers living room the other day….next to you….sprawled out on the sofa. You were lying there… it was quiet except for the sounds of you giggling and cooing away. For a moment it was peaceful, there were no worries, there were no cares…..until….

   Until your three year old sister came running, sprinting as fast as she could down the hallway. In her hand a purple picture frame, in the frame a picture….a picture of your sister Audrey.

   She flung herself onto the sofa and placed the picture directly in your face. In her sweet little voice came these words ” This is your sister Audrey, she is in Heaven. I miss Audrey. Do you miss her too? ” Then I felt a gigantic lump begin to form in my throat as the realization of that truth smacked in to me like a tonne of bricks.

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Would you miss her? How could you miss her? You never met her?

    I must admit I had never gave it that much thought until now.  My other two children had been there for her beautiful birth, had touched her smooth skin, had kissed her chubby cheeks, and held her little hands. My other children had weathered that awful morning of July 6, 2014. They had grieved her, mourned her, wept for her. They had noticed her absence in our home….but you….. you would no no different. 

    I thought about the reality that both of your sister names will be nothing but an assortment of old pictures and fading memories. You will hear them spoken and be full of wonder….but you will never experience the presence of them in our lives. 

    I felt sad for a moment as I realized you will never know the family before…..you will never be aware of nothing but this chaotic, sometimes painful, messy life that we have journeyed in to.

Then I remembered something….

    God is in this too. God is not only walking with us through this chaos but he is leading us.

    That he is not only standing with us in the messy, but he is making it beautiful. You my son, are a part of that.

    You will never meet your sisters in this lifetime. God knew that….he planned it. You will never kiss their chubby cheeks but I get to kiss yours. You will never experience their presence, but you will experience the blessing.

     In years from now I get to tell you about the heartbreaking moment I found out your sisters heart had stopped beating in my belly…..and then again about the  horrifying morning our Audrey baby left this earth. I get to show you pictures of the most tiniest one pound baby hand and of a smiling beautiful nine pound baby girl. I get to show you clothes, footprints and a lock of light brown hair…desperately sharing with you anything I have left to prove their existence.

But I won’t have to.

    I wont have to because their precious stories include yours. Their death and your birth is intertwined in to an amazing example of Gods grace, and love. You are a piece of beauty from their ashes.

    Our family has been torn down by our world and built back up our God. His hope has formed around us like a shield of armor surrounding every circumstance and challenge that comes our way. 

    A family that Audrey and Alexis would never get to meet, but a family that you now have. 

I thank God for them.

I thank God for you.

I thank the author of our story.

Because of him, you now have the chance to hold those sweet little hands one day. 

No wrinkled pictures, no faded memories…..

But face to face.

In the presence of  a God that linked you together from the beginning.

 

Love, Mommy

 

 

 

 

 

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