” Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. ~ Hebrews 13:8 “
Dear sweet sweet girl,
Today you are care free. Today while the hurricane of July 5, 2014 beats and bashes around on the outside….you……you are safely tucked away in the warmth and shelter of your home. Surrounded completely by three beautiful girls.
Today you will sing “Let It Go” one hundred times with your dancing toddler. You will read a book with your eight year old, and you will rock that precious strong willed twelve pound baby girl in your arms.
Today the wind will continue to blow cutting out all power to that warm little home, but you….you and your Mother-In Law will chuckle while sipping tea that has been heated on the barbecue, and you will pack up that perfect little family of yours and spend the evening sharing laughs, and chips around candlelight and board games.
Enjoy those moments.
Hold them dear.
Tomorrow that hurricane…..those furious winds…..will no longer be on the outside of those four walls, but will make their way inside, completely devouring the only life you have ever known and leaving behind a trail of grief that can not be cleaned up overnight.
Tomorrow your eyes will open to a limp and lifeless little twelve pound body. Tomorrow you will cry out to a God you paid such little attention to just hours before. Tomorrow you will be desperate for someone, anyone, anything….to make this pain go away and to fix the mess this terrible storm has left behind.
Tomorrow you will hold that sweet little girl for the last time on this earth, you will hold her as those pink chubby little fingers that you had tickled just one day before continue to turn blue. Your cries will turn into desperation as your husband hands over the life you both created to be taken away.
Months from now your heart will still be hurting. You will still feel overpowered by grief….exhausted from feeling. Your questions will remained unanswered but that God that you had cried out for that very day will remain with you, wrapped up with you in that same over sized rocking chair that once contained your baby girl.
Months from now you will still be standing…..you may not be upright….your legs may still wobble….but you will be standing. Not alone….but with a new faith that allows you to trust your God in whatever storm has been brought your way.
A year from now. Three hundred and sixty five days into this never-ending journey you will be able to thank that very God that you were so angry at before for carrying you this far. You will stand at this day and wonder how you ever got here. You will miss her…..you will want her back…..but you will be able to be thankful that she is in the arms of Jesus.
A year and a half from now I wish I could tell you the magnitudes of emotions and challenges you are yet to experience.
I wish I could protect you from the first time that someones misinterpreted comment cut so deeply in to your heart. I wish I could warn you of the time that you would look at your husband and not see him as a blessing but as an enemy…for no reason other then he is a reminder of that baby girl that is no longer with in your reach.
I wish I could prepare you for the ups and downs this whole grief process will bring. That one day you will be so strong in that faith you worked so hard for…..only to have the next day leave you feeling defeated and as far from God as possible.
I wish I could tell you that just when you think you might have this….
….but HE will.
Truth is, one year and a half from now you will be sitting in the warmth of your home on a stormy February 7, 2016. You will still be struggling…you will still be missing your girl. You will be faced with the fact that you are not the same person that you were that windy July 5, 2014 day. You will be even more fearful of the fact that you may not even be the same person that you were yesterday… but you will be reminded of someone greater who is.
With that comes a truth that no matter how many mistakes you make or how many times you fall down as long as he is with you… you are so loved.
Because the God that you will cry to that very day, the one that you will scream at in anger….the one who will sit and comfort you in that lonely chair…..that very God will be the same God then that he still is beside me tonight.
……but you sweet Sarah will figure it out.
The ever-changing, exhausted from grief but filled with a never-changing love Sarah. X0