What Matters Most : The harsh reality of a selfish mamas heart.

” In everything you do, so it all for the glory of God.” ~ 1 Corinthians 10:31 

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Hey Sweet Girl,

It’s been awhile.

My heart has been hurting so much lately that I am not even sure of the right words to say…or if there are really any right ones to begin with.

We bought a home. Our first actual home.  Four walls and a roof filled with our familys joys, dreams, and love…but not you. Five bedrooms…but one empty.

It was so emotional yet freeing to leave the place where you died. I thought it would be the solution to my problem. The antidote to my ailing heart.

It wasn’t.

In fact, now instead of standing in a place where you died…..I walk daily through a place you will never be. I walk up stairs you will never climb, and past an empty bedroom in which you will never sleep.

Twenty-one months have passed since your death and I am still here, remembering, missing, grieving for your life that was…and your life that will never be.

I was so prepared to be a mom. To be your mom. I knew how to change diapers, kiss scrapes knees, and make grilled cheese.

But I wasn’t prepared to be a mom to a dead you.

I don’t remember…..

As your baby brother has grew and grew there are things about you that are slowly slipping away. Time has been like an enemy. Forcibly hauling me further and further from you.

   The  aftermath of your death has been the hardest. it has left scars and wounds invisible to the naked eye.  I desperately want to remember you. I want others to remember you.There are times I just want to scream that I birthed you at the top of my lungs. That you were here but now you are gone. That my family in its entirety has been severed.

  You were one tragedy in the midst of thousands that occur daily. The only difference is you were MY tragedy.

God has been preparing me for a lifetime of what it means to be a mother to a dead you.

The past few months I have been challenged by the reality that it is not the worlds job to remember you. The number of people who know your name is not what matters. That right there…is a mamas selfish heart talking. Your death has to be more than that.

Your death has to mean more than an empty bedroom and a successful blog rating.

Truth is,in the world it doesn’t matter who knows your name, HE knows your name. The importance is that the world knows HIS.

It matters that your death saves lives, that it ignites fire in  peoples hearts to serve and love on people. It matters that your last breath was meant to change lives and to encourage others.

I want people to know you so bad….but should I not be wanting people to know him more? Should I not be shouting that I have a father that has changed my life. That I had been lost, but now I am found. That my family, although missing two extremely important people has been made whole again because of a God that is more powerful than death.

It doesn’t matter if your life shines in the darkness of this world….

It matters that in the darkness of your death…Jesus shines.

 

Mommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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