Dear Sweet New Hope Mama,
Today you woke up to find evidence that your body had failed you tinged red on a piece of paper, today you walked in to the Dr’s office only to find the sweet sound of life had silenced within you.
Maybe today you laid that precious baby of yours down to sleep only to return and discover they had left your arms for His….or maybe tragedy struck and that beautiful, energetic, and full of life child was taken in an instant.
No matter the way…we all end up here.
In the very place you are right now.
In the gut wrenching, life changing, seemingly never-ending moment of complete brokenness.
I can’t describe it.
……because there are no words.
There never will be.
I would like to tell you that I am walking, talking proof of survival…that I made it through to the other side.
….but I’d by lying.
Because there isn’t one.
I am just a little further ahead of you. Pondering the same unanswerable questions…the whys, the how comes, and the no fairs of this world.
I am but a mere figure of yourself in the years to come. Who can smile. Who has learned to laugh again, but who is attempting to navigate that same fine line between my old life….and my new….between my broken dreams and my ever so present reality.
Right now you are scared and angry.
You want to know the whys.
The why you? The why me? The why now’s?
Truth is you sometimes never get that answer.
That one that you feel if you could just know…..if you could just figure out…then somehow, just some way it would be easier to accept.
But it wouldn’t.
Right now guilt is flooding in to every single vulnerable, grief stricken crevice of your being.
Your blaming that last workout, that missed kick count, or that one second you turned your head the wrong way.
Your beating yourself up over and over and over again as you continually contemplate the what ifs and the if I’s.
You replay the different scenarios repeatedly in your head as you try so desperately to turn back time.
But you can’t.
Because death is ever so present.
…..and as you lay in bed feeling the empty place where the precious life you created once was or as you sit in a cold, stark hospital room with your lifeless child in your arms….. it will never be more real than it is right now.
and you feel alone and isolated…and like no one understands.
Your heart lies in a million pieces in front of you and there is no one you feel that can help pick them back up…..and no way it could be put back together the same way even if they could.
Because it couldn’t.
You miss that beautiful baby already…and you break all over as you count those ten fingers and ten toes for the last time.
You aren’t ready to say goodbye and your desperate for just a few more minutes to prepare..
But you never will be.
Because no amount of time will ever be enough.
I hear your desperate cries and wails as you once again realize what is happening, because they are but an echo of my very own. They travel through me and I can feel every bit of your broken heart as mine shatters all over again.
Because you see…
We may have never met.
But we are bonded you and me.
Forever forced out of fear and our comfort zones and in to the very grief that the world tries so hard to ignore.
You are not alone.
There are so many of us on this same journey….more than you could ever imagine.
…and you’ll find us.
…….When your ready.
One day, in what seems a gazillion moments from now you will wake up to find that your smiles out number your cries. That the good days out weigh the bad, and you have traveled farther than you ever could have imagined.
But right now that seems impossible.
…and that’s okay.
Because right now..in this very moment.
I’ll sit with you in silence.
I will smile as you talk about the way that sweet baby would laugh as you blew raspberries on that now still tummy.
I will giggle as you describe the funny face he used to make when he tasted bananas for the first time.
….and I will cry with you as reality hits a million time in between.
Because I’ve been there.
Because this is not your fault.
………and right now…….
That’s the only words from me you need to hear.
A once too was hopeless, but now ever hopeful Hope Mom.