“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” ~Psalm 73:23-26
It was Monday morning and my day was already up to not the best start. My oldest child had missed the bus, my middle one had been crying for ten minutes over wanting to wear her flip flops to school and the baby…well, need I say more.
I packed some very unimpressive but quick lunches and loaded up the car with everyone and everything I needed for the day….a normal everyday occurrence in our household….but little did I know in a mere hour this Monday morning was going to be one that I would never forget.
A few drop offs later and I had finally arrived at work just seconds before my scheduled time. I smiled as I seen a co-worker arriving the same time as me and was steps away from her when my phone begin to ring.
I pressed answer and shear screams pierced my ears.
…..and in two words, in seven simple stomach turning letters… the world as I knew it had changed.
The missed busses, the wrong pair of shoes, the cars that had drove to slow in front of me while not so nice thoughts filled my mind. None of those things mattered. If anything I had wished they did. That I could just go back to my Monday morning being defined by the mundane everyday things that went wrong.
But it couldn’t.
Because in that moment.
On that overcast, overly cranky morning of September twenty-sixth….in a cold wet parking lot…….
I became fatherless.
Or so I thought.
See, I sat on my Fathers bed that morning and desperately clenched my Dads cold hard working hands, I studied them and traced each wrinkle and line with my fingertips, and I sat hopelessly in his death.
This time there was nothing to pray for…..it was too late.
The evidence lay still and breathless beside me.
Oh how I missed him already.
Anger filled my every being as I began to ask the very God I needed so desperately the why questions I knew I would never get the answer to. I didn’t want to need him. I didn’t want to want him. In fact, I demanded him to restart this day over and breathe my Dads life right back in to him.
But as I watched my Dads earthly home be carried out in a black bag and placed in the back of the coroners car, I was too desperate…too angry…..too immersed in the sudden grief, that I missed that my Dads life had already been restored and that the very life I had demanded had already been breathed back in to him.
Not because I had asked.
But because he did.
So this morning as I awoke to the aftermath of the storm. As I laid in bed staring out at the beauty of the world in front of me, and as thoughts of memories of a man who truly loved like Jesus filled my mind.
I was reminded that although my Dad is not here, he is alive. That even though I can not see him, his eyes are on the one that matters most, and I am so very thankful for the moments this past week where he has shown me small glimpses of Heaven. Whether in the sighting of a butterfly or in the power of Gods word.
I will forever think of the missed opportunities with my father. The words that weren’t spoken, the times I got distracted and didn’t take the call, or the last hug I gave without saying goodbye. All the chances I may have missed.
See my Daddy didn’t miss his.
But my Dads death showed me just how quickly we could.
Because in an instant. In a single heartbeat, the every days of this world could be taken. The houses, the cars, the dance recitals, and the very people that filled them.
And all that will be left is a Father that would have never left us Fatherless…..
……and the missed opportunity to make that so.
So today I sit saddened, still angry, but ever so confident in the truth that I may have lost my father, but luckily for me I am not left without.
…..and it his Him that will carry me through the coming days…weeks…months. It is because of Him that I will never be…
How about you?