To My Sweet Chubby Cheeked Girl-Year 3

 

audrey                                                  ” God gave me you.”

Audrey Girl,

In a few weeks it will have been three years since I met you. Three years since the day I pushed you from my body and held you in my arms. That day was so peaceful. So full of love, joy and thankfulness. It would be a lie to say that I loved you from the minute I had seen you because truth is I had already fallen so hard for you by then. My love formed for you before you were even fully formed yourself. From the moment a tiny plus sign appeared on that small screen, the moment the faintest heartbeat could be heard by my very ears, and with each flutter in my belly thereafter.

Two and a half months we showed you as much love as possible, you enriched our lives and such joy came from small victories like your weight gain from nursing and your half smiles we refused to believe were gas.

Although I’ve told you a million times before,that morning when we woke up and found you breathless changed my life. It was the day I prayed harder than ever before yet they weren’t answered, the moment I learned that life can be taken in an instant…that I always don’t have time to prepare for a storm, but it was also a time that showed me the intense love of the people around me, and by the very God who I had ignored.

The first year it was so easy to keep my faith. After all, I couldn’t survive without it. I had been brought down to the very bottom…shaken to my very core, and without it I was unable to get back up. Your life was in the spotlight. In our small town there were not too many places I could go where someone didn’t approach me and speak your beautiful name. It was the year we welcomed your brother Asher and although I was so incredibly afraid for ever breath of life he breathed as I waited for each one to be the last, he was something to focus on and that brought joy.

The second year was breathtakingly painful. It was the year “after your death.” Life with you was no longer in this year or in this moment….it was in my past, and with the most real understanding that you would no longer be in the years to come. Year two was the year I felt your loss tremendously. your name had faded from the lips around me and even when I tried to speak it I felt like a repetitive robot.

Then came this year. This year I missed you with every bone in my body. I’ve watched children in the church nursery born the same time as you and wished you were there beside them. I’ve braided your sisters two heads and longed for the third, and I have struggled at times as your death as faded from the minds of people around me. Months ago I found out that once again you were going to have another sibling, only this time it made you seem so much farther away. So much more a child who “once was.”

My last pregnancy I had prayed so hard for a boy. I pleaded with God to not just take one of my girls away to give me another months later, but this time a part of me longed for you. This time I prayed that this would be my chance to mother a baby girl again and that maybe this time I would be enough to be able to keep her…and truth is when the ultrasound revealed a sweet baby boy I cried.

……..and some of those tears were for you.

See, three years later on an examination table came the realization that you were gone and that time has moved on. That since you occupied that very space in my womb two others had now grown there. Two others that could never occupy the same space in our family. Two that could never fill the hole you left so deeply.

But then today I was once again showed who was. That my God is.

The last few months have been hard ones. With each pregnancy after you has come the joys, the fears, and the stresses of the what ifs to come. I have once again let depression hit as life hasn’t turned out the way that I’ve planned. When my home hasn’t lived up to be the home I dreamed, when my body doesn’t look the way that I’ve wanted, or through the loss of friends and support networks I once had.

At times I have become too occupied with what others see in me and less with how He sees me. I let my insecurities, my failures and my “have nots” over rule my thankfulness for what He has given me.

The past couple of weeks I have allowed the enemy in. I have became depressed in your death, I have let my anger trouble my marriage, and I have questioned if I was enough. There were even times I have felt my children deserved more than me. I have wondered what theirs lives would have been if they had been born in a family who were able to provide more, into a family were their siblings lived and where chicken poop didn’t decorate their door step.

And then I am reminded of you. The biggest gift that God has ever given me, and the grandest blessings He has provided in your life and death. You are not only one of my proudest accomplishments, but my life long reminder of Gods love. That very love that is a forever reminder that I am enough, created in his image, and loved not for what I have but for who I am.

You my sweet girl were so loved through your very short life, through your death, and will continue to be through the what seems like forever time between the day you left my arms until I am joined with you in HIS.

This year I am not only reminded how thankful I am that he gave you to me for even a moment of time….that he chose me to mother you, but that through you He has shown me that my worth is not measured by success, that my wants are not always what I need,  where love is not always deserved it is given, and that some of my most greatest blessing come from the complete and utter darkness.

Thank you for that.

I love you my Chubby Cheeked Girl.

My girl that is not “once was”, but because of Him continues to be.

I will always love you.

Mommy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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