Tutu Soon

God heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

My name is Sarah. I am a 29 year old divorced Mama to six beautiful children. Four that are here with us and two that are in Heaven. 

 My ex husband and I welcomed our first born Abigail in 2006. She was a perfectly healthy eight pound baby girl. After some time of being unable to conceive I started taking clomid and became pregnant within 2 months with our twin girls Amelia and Alexis! We were so excited for this new journey we were on, and couldn’t wait for double everything. Unfortunately at our 20 week ultrasound the doctor told us that Alexis was “incompatible with life” and that we would have to be prepared for her to pass in utero. We were devastated but never gave up hope that our little girl could make it. After a long fight she passed away at 31 weeks gestation. She was born a few weeks later sleeping at just one pound along with her healthy baby sister Amelia at six pounds. Her death was hard and one of the most devastating challenges our family would face. With an amazing support system and church family, love and prayers got us through.

On July 6th, 2013 after eight years of dating and engagement, me and Chad finally married. It was such an exciting time to be able to share with our family and friends and of course our two daughters. We found out a few weeks later that we were expecting a miracle baby. Conceived on our honeymoon and without any fertility medication. Amelia was only 14 months at the time and after the initial shock wore off we were again excited to welcome another baby into our family. We were worried our entire pregnancy that something could go wrong because of what happened in our previous with the twins. 

At our 20 week ultrasound we found out we were expecting a healthy baby girl. I immediately thought of the joy of having three girls in our home. I was so excited for the matching dresses, lots of hair bows, and all of the fun things that comes along with being a mama to all girls. Audrey was born a whopping nine pound eight ounces on April 16th, 2014. She fit right into our family. Once home I felt so blessed for my amazing little family and spent every moment living life with my girls. Life was perfect!

    On the morning of July 6th, 2014, mine and my husbands first year wedding anniversary I woke up to Audrey needing to nurse. I fed her, gave her a kiss and we went back to sleep. An hour later I woke up to find my sweet little girl unresponsive and not breathing. After attempted resuscitation she was unable to be revived. Our little girl died at 2 months 20 days of age of SIDS.

 I started writing these posts 11 days after Audreys death. They are actual writings from my journal. I am inviting you to join me on my journey of finding hope after death, of finding a “new normal” as life continues to move forward.  Death is ugly and yucky. As a mama who has lost a child it is isolating. You feel alone, like no one else understands. The truth is….a lot of people do not understand, and we do not want them to have to. It is the most painful thing that any mama or anyone for that matter has to go through. But….. YOU are not alone. I am learning there are so many other mothers out there that share our pain. My story is just one out of thousands. 

 I only hope that my journey can help even one mama understand that there is hope. That there is hope because there is a God who loves us. That our babies are alive and healthy in Heaven and we will see them again! That all these emotions that come along with death and grief are normal, and that together we can and will find the strength to get through!