” Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny”~ C.S Lewis
The other night was like any other. I made supper. I danced barefoot in my living room and laughed with four amazing beings. I gave baths, and I fought every single one as they refused bed and finally closed their eyes.
I walked back up the stairs, pulled on a pair of comfy black leggings and fell onto the couch. Exhausted, somewhat defeated, but with a intense sense of purpose I couldn’t help but smile.
Smile because there I was. Here I was. Strong, happy, and thriving in a world that I never could have imagined a year prior. In a life I never believed could have existed because I was so trapped in the one I had thought I deserved.
and it hit me.
Life drastically changed this year for me and my family. Our lives were turned upside down. Relationships were lost, and my faith shaken when guilts of not being able to keep my marriage together the way God had intended crept into every single part of me. Insecurities and feelings of worthlessness consumed me and for the first time in my life I was completely alone, terrified for what was next, and so entirely sure that I had nothing left to offer to anything or anyone.
I blamed my damaged marriage and I reasoned that it was my broken past…..and to some degree I guess it was true, that the choices I had made to get to where I was in that moment were all affected in one way or another by my previous experiences. But I had also forgot a few very important things. First, I had forgotten that the God I believe in, the one whom I so easily doubted every single time my life didn’t go as planned…. had a life waiting for me far greater then any broken mess. Secondly, nothing that has happened to me and nothing I had ever done took away from my worthiness of the very love we all deserve. Thirdly, That I have always had a choice. A choice right now to not only start over, but to invest in and learn to love the very woman I had always wanted to be.
So as one chapter closed, another one opened. I cried in to my pillow, I began to write again, and I learned to listen to the ones who mattered most. I grew into my self better and more ready to take on life than ever before, and my passions intensified as I chose what was most important and began to weed out the rest.
I learned what love was again. What it was to be loved. Not from a man, but from the very girl who lived within me, and for the first time in my life I felt what it was to feel free from any one else expectations. So free in fact, that I had never been more certain of what I wanted, and so completely sure of what I deserved.
I learned to take chances. Chances where I didn’t know the outcome. Some that have been worth it and some not so much but all of which have included growth. Life is beautiful and messy and full of so many opportunities’, some of which we never experience because we are to busy keeping safe.
So here I am. Cracked but still standing, a joy in my heart that I never thought was possible, and a fire burning for whatever comes next. Terrified but excited. In a place I never thought I could be and completely confident in the woman I am.
From incredibly broken to immeasurably blessed.
…..and for that I am so very thankful.