The one standing at the sink washing the never ending dishes while staring blankly out the window.
The Mama in your own world for just a moment while peices of your family runs around your home.
I know what you’re thinking.
It’s funny isn’t it?
Maybe funny isn’t the word.
But isn’t it crazy how life just goes on?
How in a sometimes feels- like- yesterday, yet in another feels- so- distant time…. that your tummy contained a life that is no longer.
It’s little moments like these ones that remind you of the missing feet running around and the absent giggles around the dinner table.
How did we get here?
From that dreary hospital chair to the kitchen sink .
Because there was a time we could barely stand.
Because there was a time where the pain was so immensely present that just existing was difficult.
Because there was a time where our other children’s laughter was not seen as a blessing, but as a breathtakingly painful reminder of the childs we would never hear.
Because there was a time when I placed my once alive but now lifeless baby in my husband’s arms to hand over to the coroner.
Because there was a time I thought life was over for me too.
But it wasnt.
……And minutes turned in to hours and hours in to days.
…. And days in to weeks and weeks in to months.
…And then months into years.
And one day you wake up, and can thank the ever present never left your side God. The One who you battled with in the kitchen one stormy morning while your daughter laid breathless on the floor.
The One whom ultimately had the ability to “save the day” …..
And you look back at that not so distant time where you could not see any point in living any longer. That time when your other children was not even enough of a motive for you to live through this pain.
Then you remember the moments He showed up time and time again.
The moments where he put just a glimmer of light in the seemingly never ending darkness and just the smallest bit of joy in the forever feeling pain.
And you realize that although he may not have saved that day, He did save your life.
Then one day years from now you’ve emerged from the middle of the storm and you’re staring out your kitchen window….and not only are you remembering that precious child that once was, but you are thinking about the life thereafter you’d never thought you’d have.
The life you couldn’t even see in the midst.
A life that has had so many moments of pain and family shaken hard times. But a life of healing, of blessings, and of change.
But back then we couldn’t see it.
….And that’s okay.
We wouldn’t have believed it if we could.
Because back then all we could see was death and pain and the unfairness of this world we live in.
Back then all that we could see was the pink cold hospital chair where we last held our precious baby.
Until one day we didn’t.
I never would have thought that this journey would bave been and continues to be, even more than I could have ever imagined.
That I could feel so abudantly blessed and loved in a life that has contained so much pain and death.
But I am.
And He continues to be.
Our grief doesn’t stop.
But neither does our God.
And because of Him, today we can stand and be thankful for the veiw.
And for tomorrow we are filled with hope.
I don’t know how we got here.
But I am so very thankful we are.
Thankful that while our tough tierd hands were created for cradling sweet babies and washing these very dishes….that His…
His were made for healing.